Ever since I was little, I can recall being afraid of cats. Snakes and cats. Put your finger on your nose and point at the one that is rational.
Snakes are creatures with a body that is not a body. It’s a flying death arrow. Some of them have a deadly venom that kills you and we don’t seem to have an answer for how to “not die” when these snakes bite you. So that’s cool. They seemingly have no purpose to me. At all. I completely agree with Indiana Jones. Who is a fictional character, and I in no way think that’s odd that I relate to people that aren’t real.
Cats, on the other hand, are what many believe to be the most adorable creature in the world. So much so that some women are content to not form human relationships and, in turn, be perfectly okay with being old and not ever having sex again. That’s how adorable people think they are. THEY WILL GIVE UP ON RATIONAL HUMAN NEEDS for this animal. And I look at this picture, and I almost get that.
It’s gotten so bad that in the past years, people have made a career off of putting pictures of cats in pictures with funny words. Seriously? That makes me really angry at my guidance counselor.
Guidance Counselor: What do you want to be when you grow up, Drew?
Drew: I want to be a writer.
Guidance Counselor: Great! Good move. You’ll make -$14.78 and you will generally have trouble finding work, because your craft is something people learn how to do when they stop throwing up on themselves and shitting their pants. Honestly, at this exact moment, we teach people how to read and write. So way to aim high.
Drew: So I should do something else?
Guidance Counselor: No. Be a writer. You’re really good at it.
In retrospect, I wish my guidance counselor had just told me that, generally, someone will do something that takes no talent whatsoever, and they will inevitably make one billion dollars more than me.
Honestly, though? How much does it piss you off when you see someone link to some picture of an adorable cat? Are we mentally retarded 4th graders and this is what it’s come down to? The funny thing is how it goes down every time.
You get the link. Get angry and think, “Jesus. Stop sending me pictures of stupid fucking cats riding pretend bicycles.”
(Drew clicks link).
(Giggles to self uncontrollably).
“Ha! Silly cat! WHY IS THAT SILLY CAT RIDING A PRETEND BICYCLE! THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. I’M GOING TO SEND THIS TO EVERYONE I KNOW. I LOVE THIS SILLY CAT!”
I don’t know what that has to do with anything. I just wanted to talk about it. Because it bothers me that cats win every time. And more importantly that people are just really fucking stupid by nature.
The point of this all, though, is that cats have legitimately terrified me ever since I was little. I’ve never been able to articulate why, and that’s always just made it more strange. I have a fear of the most adorable creature on the planet. I have had a girlfriend and a roommate that owned a cat, and both times it took me months to put my hand anywhere near it. Oh, I’ve seen your teeth, cats. I know your true motives.
And this is when it dawns on me why i’m so irrationally afraid of this animal:
Cats are just really fucking small tigers.
And personally? I do not want a pet tiger. I know, we all think it’s some awesome idea to have an exotic giant animal as a pet. You know who tried this theory out? Batshit crazy poorly dressed men named Siegfried and Roy. And do you know what the tiger did? It tried to eat them.
And that is what, I theorize, all cats will eventually do. They will just sit there and be adorable, and when you least expect it? They will try to kill you.
They are essentially tigers. That is their ancestry. An animal that can tear you apart if you saw it in the wild. Because it has ginormous teeth that want to rip your leg off. I do not want to hang out with this animal. That sounds like a lot of not fun.
I will now prove my point with two pictures that clearly explain why a cat will eventually turn into a tiger and kill you.
Exhibit A: Cat jumping for a string (which, by the way, is the only fun thing you can do with a cat: mock it. WHAT DOES THAT SAY.)
Yeah. Not that adorable, huh. It’s not just playing around. It wants to kill whatever is on that string. Look at it. And do you know why I say this?
Exhibit B: TIGER.
Yeah, you know what that tiger is doing? JUMPING AT A THING ON A ROPE/STRING. THE EXACT SAME THING THE CAT IS DOING. They are both trying to kill whatever is above them. Seriously. It’s the same goddamn animal.
Just sayin.
So if you are a girl and have a cat, odds are I will be afraid of dating you. Not for fear of committing. Not because you aren’t great.
But because you own a really small fucking tiger. And that animal, presumably, is just going to kill me.
Rocket Shoes Mixtape 30: A Cat Is Just A Really Small Tiger That Wants To Kill You
Stream the whole thing at those two links above.
Or download the whole thing in the two links below in what may or may not be legal mp3′s.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
drew. you've got it all wrong. tigers are just really big cute and cuddly cats. a) http://www.flickr.com/photos/27349409@N08/4581132… b) http://www.flickr.com/photos/27349409@N08/4581165…
Just to clarify, you love the idea of getting eaten by dinosaurs but fear the possibility of being eaten by a mini tiger? I’m with you all of the way though but mostly because of the litter and fur. Yuck.
Ditto. Being torn apart by a Tiger, even if really fucking small, sounds like a good way to die in my book. Just ask Sigfried! Or, was it Roy? How come we never pronounced his name like Patrick Roy?
Are we talking about the MA guidance counselor? Because if so, she thought University of Arizona would be a fine place for me, because they had a good creative writing department. I should have gone to Humbolt State, pot capital of the universe and perhaps I too would have come up with cats and cheeseburgers. People keep sending me that shitmykidsruined link like ha ha ha, isn't this great! And it makes me bitter because first of all, I could populate that site with pictures that would make your toes curl and second, because I didn't think of it first. I might do a petsmykidskilled tumblr because I have a couple pictures for that too. I have two tiny tigers, but one has a strange growth on her neck which means, well, I'm not sure, she's handicapped? And the other I'm going to run over pretty soon. Hopefully you'll give me a pass?
My advisor was angry and cynical: "Lexi, don't become a writer. You'll be miserable and poor forever just like me." The irony is, I'm poor, quasi-miserable when doing "work", and I still keep my blog browser open to write when my boss leaves our room for a meeting. What does that mean?
PS I have a dog now. Kicked my cat, Donut, to the curb last year after irreconcilable differences. Little shithead.
Excuse me, but I'd prefer that you quit the internet.
Your writing is making everyone else's writing look bad. Myself and the other writers have had a talk and we'd really just like it if you could stop being SUCH A FUCKING GOOD WRITER.
That is all for now.
Dude, I have always hated cats so I am all for jumping on this bandwagon.
The reason I hate them so much though is because I had a roomate with FOUR. GODDAMN. CATS. and they used to all go into heat at the same time which means they would all four stand in front of me and put their stupid assholes in my face. I think they wanted me to do something with it, but I'm not into that kind of stuff obviously. Also, they would make this horrible, sexual meowing every time they did it, and I really started to feel violated.
Now THAT is a damn good reason for hating cats.
I agree.
Because of Cats, we will all stop reading. Literacy will be redefined as cooing over pictures of cats that are accompanied by emoticons — acronyms, at best.
Cats suck. [insert picture]