I have always loved road trips. I suppose it’s because I equate them with that first time I was given a retarded amount of freedom in my life. Basically, you learn to drive a motor vehicle when you’re a kid, and all of the sudden you think it’s a good idea to go drive it until your foot hurts. It’s not like a plane, where you go in a box, close the box, and then open the box to find out everything looks different: road trips are like watching America as a flip book. It’s like you start the car, Bob Ross starts painting, and hours later you’re in a forest with little happy trees and fluffy clouds and you’re flabbergasted at how awesome it was to watch them appear.
When you go on a road trip across America for one month straight with three other people you barely knew beforehand, you think of (and see and experience) a lot of really weird crap. In no particular order or sequence, this is what I found out about myself and the country.
1) Everyone in America thinks that Los Angeles and San Francisco are just two guys hanging out next door to each other geographically. Everyone. Dear America, Los Angeles is nowhere near San Francisco. And not to sound like Jan Brady, but stop talking about Marcia: we’re our own goddamn person. No, I don’t just bump into celebrities all the time. I don’t see famous people everywhere I go. Hey, Ohio, do you see African tribal people when you go out to dinner? Oh, you don’t because you live nowhere near Africa? Please look at a map. They are at the heel of the tube sock and we are almost at the top of the knee-high. Please.
2) To prove why I’m an asshole for that diatribe: I have no concept of the geographic makeup of any other city and it turns out I’ve been making gigantic sweeping generalizations my entire life. We’re in Philadelphia? WHY ISN’T EVERYONE EATING CHEESESTEAK! We’re staying in Austin tonight? LET’S GO TO A RODEO IN GALVASTON TOMORROW AT 9 A.M., I PRESUME THAT’S A SHORT DRIVE AND ALL YOU GUYS DO IS GO TO RODEOS! So, uh. Sorry about that, America.
3) You can drink for 30 straight days and you won’t die.
4) If you drink for 30 straight days you will feel terrible and will begin to wish you would just die already.
5) Subway and Starbucks are in a heated battle for who can lay claim to the title “Company that owns 1 in every 3 buildings in all of America.” How is there even this much deli meat?!? Are your distributors exhausted getting it to you every day? Do people really need anything other than “just a really strong fucking cup of coffee” in the middle of nowhere, USA, or are truck drivers honestly purchasing a venti non-fat cafe au lait? Here’s a tip: stop opening stores. Just stop. I can’t eat that many sandwiches or drink that many cups of coffee.
6) There are people in Texas that actually want the state of Texas to secede from the union, and they are purchasing actual billboards and maintaining actual websites to make it happen. Which is to say, it seems like they found out we actually hired a black guy as our president and they just freaked out and started smearing their ex girlfriend on national bathroom stall walls. Guys: she was just a bit over how you were acting like a crazy person. What you’re doing isn’t helping. She’s dating nicer people now, don’t be that guy. But on that note…
7) 99.8% of Texas gets a bad rep. It turns out that contrary to popular belief, it’s mostly just full of fantastically kind people who say “yes ma’am” and “sir”. Sweeping generalization after spending five days in a state? Oh, absolutely. But besides the crazy “WE WOHNT ARRRR OWNNN NA-SHUN” people who make billboards, I came away feeling like a real dick for ever saying I didn’t like Texas. Forgive me, Texas. I kinda love you.
8 ) In the most unsurprising news ever, I want to move to Austin, Texas. I know. Next thing you know, I’ll tell you that I hear Portland is nice and that I’ve been thinking about buying a record player. Okay, enough about Texas. Wait but I’m not done with the south.
9) A good portion of the south has no idea that the civil war is over, and/or that the north won. I say this because I went to a reenactment in the south, and let’s just say they told us to “come back tomorrow to find out what happens.” Spoiler alert, guys: it ends.
10) Louisiana proves the theory that you can fry anything and it tastes better, and that if you speak with a southern accent and smile everyone on the planet will like you. How the women stay that good looking blows my mind.
11) If you want to die laughing, ask an Australian to say the word Pseudoephedrine (pseduo-epha-dreeeeeen). Or anything that ends with an “a” (because they put an “r” on it). Or ask them what a swimsuit is (a swimmer! they call them “your swimmers”!). Or just ask them to say oh my god sorry Australians, you just say the darndest things! I’m sorry in advance, Beth. I’m not making fun, I’m sure I sound ridiculous to you, as you told me many times. But really, you call mosquito bites mozzy bites and that just makes me giggle.
12) Forget nice hotels, stay at a Hampton Inn. I am on a one man mission to put that place on the map. EVERY ONE OF THEM has a waffle maker. A legitimate belgian waffle maker. C’MON. Their bed is made of asleep. It felt like trying to date a hotel room. Like, I was that into it. Doodling it’s name on notebooks in my dreams.
13) It is possible to not do laundry more than one time in 30 days. Which is going to save me about $4,239 in quarters this coming year, because I learned on this trip that yes, it is unhealthy to do your laundry every -2 minutes.
14) Everyone in America should begin to call sex “The Ultimate” and Coors Light “C Minus.” Because that’s what a guy on the road trip called both, and I just don’t think there is a better way to say either. Try it. It feels good.
15) I really enjoy jumping off of beds and even at the age of 29 want to imitate superheroes. Please see below, but I totally get why wrecking a hotel is fun now. It hurts the next day, but it’s really fun. Sorry, whoever cleaned that room.
16) People in America are really, really nice. I met maybe two people who were assholes on this trip. Two. And one of them was a cop, and he probably had a pretty good right to be, considering our car had marijuana on it’s person (sorry Mom, but who’s kidding, you probably saw that one coming and IT ACTUALLY WASN’T ME). But seriously: people are inherently just…good. And I know that sounds sappy, but I’m genuinely impressed with how wonderful people are if you let them be and feel like Scrooge. Which leads me to my big fear…
17) I’ve become an abnormally positive and optimistic person after this trip. It freaks the crap out of me, and it feels like the turning point in the movie that I didn’t see coming. I’m not sure I even know what to do with it yet, it’s like a puppy and I just stare at it and know that it’s cute. But.
18) Don’t worry. Deep down I’m still a snarky, sarcastic asshole that throws boulders from an incredibly sensitive glass house and then wonders why the windows are broken. That’s never going to change.
Stream the whole thing at that link.