I was hanging out this afternoon in Dolores Park and a few things dawned on me:
- Dolores Park is essentially the crowd for a Phish show that has no idea that Phish is not coming. And that they are not at a concert venue. And that it is, in fact, not legal to do drugs in downtown San Francisco. This is also why Dolores Park is mesmerizing and is also basically one big car accident that you cannot stop staring at. I was offered today (in no particular order) weed truffles, a banana cream pie, a small ukulele, a hula hoop lesson, a thick leather bracelet that went out of style in “always”, cold beer, water (ha! just kidding), and finally (my favorite): a couple’s demanding that we all watch them make out. Quick note about the couple. Hey guys, either start taking off some clothes or go home. Otherwise, all I’m getting is skinemax, and every time I try to fast forward it’s just the part where you have all your clothes on and give each other eskimo kisses. Wait, you’ve never seen that in a porn? Weird! Neither have I! This porn sucks.
- Swingsets and many other childhood games/playground items are essentially like putting your kid in a taxi cab in downtown Cairo with no seatbelt on, and then leaving them in the car while you light firecrackers and chuck them in the window while laughing. (No, I have never been to Cairo, but that’s just me assuming it’s dangerous while also possibly skewing towards “accidentally racist”)
I will expand on the swingset theory. We all decided it’d be fun to go play on the swings at the end of the afternoon, because if you don’t like swinging on a swingset then you also probably hate chocolate, high fiving, rainbows and the feeling of sneezing (those are two separate things, not rainbows with the feeling of sneezing, but i’m guessing the two together are like all of the previously mentioned items put together in an awesome sandwich).
When I arrived at the swingset, there were two completely adorable unmonitored children pushing each other and giggling. Hey, parents of the year! Do you also throw knives at your children while they sleep? First off, you left your kids unattended at Dolores crackhead fucking park? That seems safe. You should also take them camping, find a bear and throw things at it and then lead it back to the campsite and hide in the bushes while your kid tries to light a fire unattended.
Where was I. So these kids are pushing themselves back and forth and I got to thinking about it: swingsets, while the joy of the world, are the most unsafe contraption ever, yet they are freely available just about anywhere you go. Kids get in a piece of rubber latched to metal tongs of death that could easily choke or beat a person senseless, which are supported by a metal pole 20 feet high in the air. Then you just push each other until you get to an elevated point where you can either fall out or launch yourself into a few of the select things they often put around the set: giant hills, huge slabs of concrete, or fire (I made fire up, but that would be a really sweet swingset and an added challenge that I think we’d all quietly be up for). Don’t worry, there is also a small area of sand (nature’s Chucky Cheese ball pit) that is nowhere near the farthest point you reach on a swing in either direction.
So let me get this straight. Parents won’t put their kids in the front seat of a car with a seatbelt on because they are scared the airbag will kill the child due to the blunt force trauma that would occur, but they are fine with hucking their kid in a makeshift slingshot tied to chains and two metal poles that are surrounded by giant hills and slabs of concrete? Just checking.
My favorite part of this whole experience was when my cousin walked up to swing next to the two little girls. He was wearing a bike helmet and wearing a t-shirt promoting the movie “Hot Fuzz” with his pony tail hanging out the back and wearing sunglasses, all while giggling maniacally. What I’m hammering home here is this: I’m pretty sure people who accidentally look like pedophiles in the wrong light love swingsets. So when an actual pedophile decides he wants to, you know, hang out with two underaged girls, judging from my experience today, everyone is cool with it because we all just love swingsets and don’t want to question anyone’s intentions on one.
I have now accidentally made swingsets a little less fun for you. I won’t even get started on monkey bars.
But who am I kidding. Swingsets are awesome. You don’t like the swingset? You suck.
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Sounds like you could have turned a profit on that…two unsupervised HOT virginal ladies? no wonder your cousin was skeezing out. Opportunity of the century.
you know, i remember quite well when my mother let me leave the house and wander around town all by myself. granted, i grew up in rural new jersey. but still – why the paranoia that the crackheads are going to harm small children? would you have stopped someone if they were trying to nab the kids?
and omg swingsets are sooooo dangerous! how many swingset deaths have you heard of recently? i am assuming teeter-totters and monkey bars are also equally unsafe (i mean, just the name monkey bars…. i bet you could catch a flu from them!)
look, i’m not a parent, and i think i would HATE being one in this atmosphere that everything is dangerous and children need to be wrapped in bubble wrap and monitored 24/7. if you don’t teach children good sense, then they won’t have any.
Cairo does in fact have the scariest roads I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a fair number. I agree with Kat though… quit fearmongering the swingset, fool.
The backlash against the Dolores Park backlash begins now. I’m sure there are nice parks in Petaluma where you can hang out with no drugs and no making out and no…nothing.
Here you go.
I guess people don’t like people making a joke about dolores park, eh guys? does anyone get that it was a joke and that I like swingsets? no? okay just checking.
You know, Dolores Park really just isn’t that across the board the evil crack-den that you’re making it out to be and even in the city, kids need to learn how to be somewhat independent. Maybe even *especially* in the city.
I have a 6 year old daughter and I sit on the hill above the kid’s playground and watch her while she runs around, plays on the not-so-scary swings, careens down the slides, and monkeys on the monkey bars. I don’t hover around her like the oft-reported on helicopter parents because I want her to have a sense of independence. The more important point, though, is that even if you can’t see me and wonder where that little girl’s parent is, that doesn’t mean I am not *right there* watching. I can see her just fine without being right up on her ass.
And yeah, that (among many other things) does make me mother of the year and maybe my daughter will know what to do on her own when she gets to college and her dorm loo runs out of paper, unlike some of those other kids.
so that’s a no? people still not seeing the joke and that I’m fine with your kid hanging out, but that it’s kind of funny? no? okay.
It’s not “fearmongering” at all. Last month I was at little kid’s birthday party and actually witnessed a little girl go flying off the swing on the way back. She was probably 3 years old and just let go. Just. Let. Go. I mean, who does that? Oh wait a minute, SHE’S THREE! She hasn’t had her intro to Physics course yet. So of course letting go probably seemed like a good idea to her at the time. The realization that she’d go flying back into the fence probably didn’t occur until she was plummeting 5 feet sans swing straight onto the ground.
Also, carnival rides? Fun summer time fair? Or metal cage death trap? The ability to reassemble and disassemble a ride that goes upside down by someone who is missing most of their teeth gives me pause. Discuss.
Wait. I am so confused. Are there parents leaving comments here who are actually trying to defend taking their children to Dolores Park? What’s next? They’re going to say it’s OK for their kids to shop at American Apparel, get really bad haircuts and wear ironic day-glo Ray-bans? You people DO realize that hipsters only exist b/c ugly people need a way to justify their existence, right?
So does this mean your blog now has stupid readers who aren’t your friends? You’re moving up in the world!!! Congratulations on expanding your audience and my apologies for how this may effect your writing choices (I hope it will not).
People, please remember that Drew writes non-fictional pieces that are literal interpretations of his inner-most feelings. Please interpret every statement he makes as 100% true and not intended to be sarcastic/ironic.
Dolores always does seem like a concert crowd without the concert. Especially down in Tecate Bay aka Dolores Beach.
I’m going to stay out of the swingset controversy.
Was it the shirtless black guy and the woman hovering over him eating his face or another couple that failed to strip for you?
I was also offered a weak piece of art for 10 dollars to support some guy in his humanitarian vision quest.
i judge people by their shoes. i think it’s fun.
I lived right next to Dolores park and took my younger brother there once to show him the great view. Ya, he got to see someone shooting up and another guy masterbating to young sweaty guys on the tennis courts. The part where I try to explain that the guy must have had a problem with his arm and no you should not act so wierd around young boys playing tennis were hilarious in retrospect. But parenting, thats dam hard.
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