Rocket Shoes

There are a lot of very nice people on the internet.

They read things, relate to them, maybe even give you a gold star and go on their merry way. It's nice. It makes you wanna keep throwing your macaroni art on the fridge. Because, hey, if it makes someone feel good? That's certainly cheaper than therapy for both of you.

For every nice person, though, there's "that guy."

If you've ever read anything on the internet (which I know you're doing right now so we're one step ahead), you know exactly who I'm talking about. Angry Comment Guy.

He's certainly allowed to do it if I'm allowed to post anything I want, right? And hell, not everyone is going to like everything you write. Actually? A LOT of people won't. But that's why we have amazon.com, the iTunes store, and Google: you can go buy or search for the "anything but this" you desire. I'm okay with that. I guess the minute you post something on the internet and say, "now does anyone have any comments?" You might wanna realize that a few of them aren't going to be rainbows and butterflies. But it certainly leaves you scratching your head as to how people get so angry. 

The thing that I've noticed, though, is that there's a real art to being angry on the internet. If you analyze it and look closely, there are Rain Man-esque patterns that they follow. It's captivating to watch Angry Comment Guy fly out of control...like watching a drunk guy challenge an inanimate object to a fight.

I've had the recent luck of experiencing Angry Comment Guy in all his glory in the comments section, and wanted to share a few things I've noticed about how it works.

This is how to sound angry on the internet.

1) Misspell words. Nothing will convey to people how angered you are than the misspelling of words. This way, we'll all be able to imagine someone so instilled with rage that they, "culd nat even try to spell theyr werds currectly!" We will be able to imagine an actual argument that would occur in the real world. Loud noises! Sighing and grunting! Overreaction!

2) Read something you already knew you would dislike; react to it. It is in your best interest to find something that you will strongly dislike and read it in it's entirety. Think of it like this: are you a vegan? Go to a steak house and act outraged that there is no almond butter. Your anger will be predictable, yet deserved: we should have made the steak house vegan for you. Makes total sense.

3) Give an anonymous email in your response, so others cannot react to you. This will hammer home the fact that, while you are upset and want to react to someone's transparency? You in no way want to reciprocate, but still want to voice your opinion. If this seems like it's a little too easy...

4) Give a humorous fake email address in your response. This will say, "you are not clever, I AM clever" while also giving the audience a hearty chuckle at just how much more humorous you are. If someone tries to respond to you? What an idiot! die@ihateyou.com isn't a real email address! Silly happy internet goer. Some sample email addresses to get you started: fuck@you.com, ihate@you.com, youreastupid@face.com, angryangry@hippo.com.

5) Use big words. This will say to everyone that you have gone to college (undergrad at least!) and probably nailed the verbal on your SAT's. A "vapid" here and a "loquacious" there will go a long way in hammering this home. The internet isn't fun: it's serious and it is about huge words. Don't let people forget that. Bonus angry points: use a cuss word after the big word, but use a "so crass it's something only an intelligent person would use" cuss word, like c*nt.

6) Make vague allusions to the fact that you went to grad school. If there's one thing we know about bloggers: they didn't go to grad school. Heaven knows that you can't write something if you didn't read James Joyce.

7) Latch on to other angry people and comment on everything they say. Make sure you only say things like "agreed!" or "yeah!" This will surely let everyone know that you agree with other angry people, and that if you two were at a cocktail party? You would point and laugh while eating dull foods together whilst complaining about everyone at the party, even though you are attending the same party as them.

8 ) Comment at least 6-8 times on the same post that you dislike. One time says "I read this in passing, I dislike it and you." Anything over one time? That says you disliked it so much that you in NO ironic manner reread the thing you disliked. It also says, "i'm not sure if I'm making myself clear." This way, it will most definitely be clear.

9) Write an entire blog post in the comments section of the blog you strongly dislike. This way, people will have to come to that blog and read it themselves to read your strong, yet well thought out criticisms of said blog. Now you've got them where you want them.

10) Discuss how no one cares about this post. Because that's why you are taking the time to write about it: you don't care. If people can't see that, they probably didn't go to grad school. If that didn't make sense, please revisit #6.

If none of this is working for you: go to a site called "Rocket Shoes", in which the author states that he has a "black belt in feelings." If this guy isn't a Proust scholar...

Man, the internet is in trouble.

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23 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “How To Sound Angry On The Internet”

  • Sharron

    July 20, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Love it. Wonder if the angry man will come out of hiding to comment on this one?

    Also, can I just say I love it when you post so that I get to read it before I go to work, it makes me smile, so keep on with the throwing of the macaroni art.

  • Amber

    July 20, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Sometimes I just want to hug you.

  • Dixon L. Creasey, Jr.

    July 21, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Guilty.
    ## 2 and 5 spring to mind…
    Nice article.

  • Oh Hai

    July 21, 2011 at 12:12 am

    #6: “allusions,” not “illusions” . . . because I am annoying, but at least I’m not angry (is this better or worse than angry comment guy?).

  • GG

    July 21, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Oh, hilarious. Methinks I need to go to the previous post and read the comments to amuse myself with ANGRY COMMENT TROLL. The frustrating thing about “that guy” is that he (almost always a he) never seems to realize that he’s “that guy.”

  • Danielle

    July 21, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Haha! Love “youreastupid@face.com.” I first misread it as “yourastupid@face.com” which would’ve also been quite funny.

  • daisy

    July 21, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    OMG do u relly think this bulshit is fcking funny? Becuz no one is laughing except u.

  • Erin

    July 21, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Don’t know if you’ve seen this but it’s one way to deal with angry people on the internet. Turn them into a joke.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z2Z23SAFVA

    • Sharron

      July 23, 2011 at 2:30 am

      Erin, that was hilarious, loved it.

    • Sasha

      August 19, 2011 at 9:34 pm

      LOL BRILLIANT!!!

    • Amber

      February 7, 2013 at 10:20 am

      Haha!! That was amazing!

  • roger clark

    July 21, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    hey, idiot. i hope you’re talking about my mean comment in your garbage SF post.

    you know, to people with actual vocabularies, words like “vapid” are pretty normal. plus, it’s only 5 letters. that’s not a big word

    your blog sucks and you deserve to know that. it’s my duty as a citizen of the world to criticize things that deserve criticism. you have the same duty, buddy

  • juju

    July 21, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    Love it. But I have to admit, this part actually sounds like a lot of fun:

    “…if you two were at a cocktail party? You would point and laugh while eating dull foods together whilst complaining about everyone at the party, even though you are attending the same party as them.”

  • Brandon

    July 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Shallow and pedantic! I’m late for clas!

  • anonymous

    July 31, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Yeah!!! Agreed!!!

  • Stereo

    August 16, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    I think I might love you.

  • Elizabeth

    August 18, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    This psot mkes me so agnry!!!!

    Other symptoms of internet rage:

    -Claims that whatever it is that really angers you has no business being in the same genre/category/earthly dimension as your favorite band/movie/actor/food group/sub-culture. Example: “Green Day is soooooo not punk. The Sex Pistols took a dump and that’s what Green Day is! F@!%& Green Day. Insert vague reference questioning sexual orientation!!!!?!”

    -USING ALL CAPITALS. OBVIOUSLY, THIS INDICATES YOUR LEVEL OF FURY.

    -Make generalizations about the group/thing you are angry about. Nothing communicates your anger like a good old-fashioned stereotype.

    I. love. this. post.

  • Sasha

    August 19, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Haha this is hilarious. I’ve had a fair few angry hater comments on my blogs I’ve even been accused of being a capitalist propaganda spreading terrorist by a communist haha! Now I’ve read this I want to leave angry comments it sounds like fun! Though I think for most of us bloggers out of principle it’s really difficult to misspell, leave stupid fake email addresses and just be down right assholes! lol

  • Brothel Brother

    August 20, 2011 at 6:49 am

    A balatron, right, that’s what you are. A merdivorous balatron, to be more precise. This post resembles a wlatsome feaque in every way possible. It’s jumentous, like the rest of this rumbelow-like site.

    jst kidng, bro

  • Angry angry hippo

    September 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    I hate this blog post.

  • Jewel

    March 11, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    You forgot to advise people to use leet, or internet spelling etiquette when trying to come off as both hep and angry.

  • Cassandra

    March 12, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    I stumbled on your bachelor posts and realized I have a dog that could give your dog a run for her money in the sunbathing quarterfinals. My other dog has recently started eating his own poop, so I went to the World Wide Interwebs today to find out why-oh-why-Coda are you eating your own feces, and found a succinct, articulate article that was quite useful. In the comments section a clever reader noted:
    Ryan Stern
    3/5/2013 12:27:27 AM
    Dogs are disgusting beasts. The only way to get your filthy mutt to stop eating its poop is to send it off to doggy heaven ASAP!

    Why, Ryan Stern? Why even visit the page, let alone read the article, and then why take the time to comment?

  • effinayright

    March 13, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    It’s wrong and stupid to be angry on the internet. I mean, look at how well anger worked for people in the pre-internet age! You pissed off The Power, you got dragged off, put into prison, or killed.

    So…chill. Go with the flow. STFU, or die!

    That’s what the Jeuws (isn’t that how it’s spelled?) should have done in pre-war Germany. None of this “resistance” or “free speech” crap, just shut up!

    Ditto with expressing fear! Who wants to hear nonsense like that!!! Fear is for losers and bedwetters.

    Silence….head down…don’t make any trouble. Try it — it works!!!!

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