Rocket Shoes

If I were a cop, I'd just park across the street from a KFC/Taco Bell every night. I mean, it's gotta be a 100% arrest rate when people drive out of the drive-thru, right? Anyone buying an actual bucket of chicken or a sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken used as the bread are on drugs 1,976% of the time. If you are a policeman and you are reading this, congratulations. I just got you promoted to a job where you don't have to sit outside of a KFC/Taco Bell arresting people.

I am confused by people who sign up to be urologists for a living. Look. I'm just sayin'. I don't know how much the money differential is, but I'm guessing it's a lot or most of these guys are closeted, because I have one and even I would argue that I don't really want to look at penises for a living. Like, you had a choice. Of ANY body part, and you said, "Penises. I choose to look at Penises for a living." Really? Were the check boxes like this?

YOUR CHOICES:

Face Doctor - 200k w/ benefits.

Foot Doctor - 300k w/ benefits, because feet are weird.

Penis Doctor - 1 BILLION DOLLARS. ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU WANT. SERIOUSLY. YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK AT PENISES ALL DAY.

*My favorite part about writing this…when I did about two months ago…was finding out approximately one week later that my cousin Laura is a urologist. I'm sorry Laura. I'm a dick. HEY-O!

I have a pediatric electrolyte supplement drinking problem. You should read that back, but out loud this time. It turns out it's a killer way to cure a hangover. The only catch is that you're drinking something that a baby drinks when it has diarrhea. So, you can imagine how that conversation is when you ask a Walgreen's employee where the baby formula aisle is with no baby in sight. Or what it looks like when you are feverishly pounding a bottle of grape on your way to work and people in other cars are looking at you. Ready for this? I now even eat the FREEZER POPS that they sell, because that's not weird. But hey, guess what: I'm hydrated, motherf*cker. What are you?

I don't understand how people design traffic light systems. It just seems like it would be really complicated. I know, because in Sim City I was terrible at it and it had to be the most stressful thing in the world when my not real people were getting in not real traffic jams that were making them late for their not real home lives, which presumably caused them to get not real divorced and THAT'S ON ME AND I LIVE WITH IT EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Oh, Republicans. You guys had it so easy in the coming election year. I say that because America is generally batshit crazy and I just figured that they wouldn't be cool with having a black guy as our president for more than four years before they had a "THE CIVIL WAR ISN'T OVER" panic attack. To be fair, it sort of still sounds like that's happening. And in that instance, it seems like to win the hearts of your batshit crazy cohorts, all you had to do was nominate two "not black guys" and…no, you know what? You honestly had to just nominate anyone who didn't sound like they had been drinking all morning before they started filming things and you probably would have had the next President elect. But you sure found a way to…not do that. Your current nominee options are Rick Perry, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. So basically:

1) The only guy in Texas who manages to make George Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar.

2) A crazy Mormon who believes in magical underpants. (!!)

and

3) ….Newt Gingrich. Who I'm pretty sure has been running for president since 1848. (Probably not gonna happen, big guy. Maybe sit this one out.)

What's even more amazing is that you ruled out one other guy because he was quoting Pokemon in his speeches. (!!!)

So, in advance, may I say thank you from every Democrat. We're running against the equivalent of mouth breathers in sweatpants with weird mustard stains in the corner of their lips. Things are looking up.

There are too many toothpaste options these days, and my neurotic brain can't handle it. 

Toothpaste Brand: "Do you want whitening?"

Drew: "Sure."

Toothpaste Brand: "Do you want tartar control?"

Drew: "I mean, I'd assume so, sure…you guys are the experts."

Toothpaste Brand: "Do you want extra whitening?"

Drew: "…well, sure. Why didn't you just put the 'extra' in the last batch.."

Toothpaste Brand: "3-D whitening?"

Drew: "Wait, what?"

Toothpaste Brand: "How about cavity protection."

Drew: "Dude, what the f*ck. Why wasn't I getting that before?"

Toothpaste Brand: "How about an extreme clean?"

Drew: "…"

Then again, I guess I've never been able to make up my mind about this. Ever.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 56: A Mix For Cops To Listen To Outside of a KFC/Taco Bell

Stream the whole thing at the link above (or by clicking on the picture with too much toothpaste in it).

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

 

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12 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “I Have a Pedialyte Drinking Problem, Toothpaste Scares Me, and So Forth.”

  • Rae

    December 14, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    That photo. Please explain. (And dammit, you’re not going to get the reference in that last sentence)

    But seriously, that photo. Wha…?

  • Kim

    December 14, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    I also drink me some serious Pedialyte. It was recommended when I had some…um… tummy troubles. The apple flavor tastes like those caramel apple lollipops, and I couldn’t find any of the frozen pops at my local Safeway…but yeah. SUPER hydrating.

  • Gabriella

    December 15, 2011 at 1:51 am

    I am so happy you’re back. You are one of my bookmarks (so not creepy) but i did stalk your website almost everyday to see if you had posted anything. Lets just say i am thrilled you posted and to keep writing.

    You make my day…seriously.

  • Mark Brian

    December 15, 2011 at 8:13 am

    OK so urologist or proctologist?

  • Ashley

    December 15, 2011 at 8:15 am

    All I am asking for is a toothpaste that doesn’t wind up oozing out and making it impossible to put the cap back on ever. Although I’m willing to admit that might be a user error.

  • michelle

    December 15, 2011 at 8:55 am

    that pictures still makes me cry with laughter….SERIOUSLY…you rock

  • Heather

    December 15, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    you made me choke on my fruit cup. twice.

  • Chris

    December 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    The problem with being a Urologist isn’t that you have to look at penises all day, is that you’re looking at SICK penises all day. I’m sure there are guys that became Gynecologists thinking, “I’m gonna check out some major pus… wait? What the hell is THAT?” Yeah, women tend to come in when something is wrong down there: warts, STD’s, yeast infections (yeast?!), etc.

    Think about a guy: most guys don’t like going to the doctor for regular stuff, he’s certainly not going to go to the Junk Doctor unless something is seriously, seriously wrong: “I just thought I was getting bigger… until it turned color… Not sure what the green stuff is, but the hissing and barking started this morning…”

    I have friends who are dentists and people come in all the time who haven’t brushed their teeth before coming in. Which makes me pity the poor Proctologist…

  • lucetta

    December 19, 2011 at 10:55 am

    give them some not real christmas presents. you’ll feel better

  • Burt

    December 22, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    I was LMAO all the way until the picture, and that brought me up short. I can’t imagine a plausible scenario under which you’re not a total case where you would have that many tubes of used toothpaste. You either had them, or you asked for them. Both sad. If there’s a third option, I’m listening. But doubtful it will change my opinion.

  • Devin Grant

    January 3, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Demographically and culturally on point and accurate.

  • Njeri Karanu

    January 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    First off, how did I end up here? Really, I’m clicking the ‘Back’ button like crazy coz i landed a gem right here!
    You are funny Drew. I like reading your musings. And your mixtapes, are just beautiful. Sweet music for cops…I’d listen to this. I’m not a cop.
    And I too get brain cramps in the toothpaste aisle. hahaha that was a funny bit.
    Good job!

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