The other day I was talking to my friend Lesley on the subject of how other people are doing that we haven’t spoken to in a while.
By that, I mean we were casually judging the shit out of people’s lives that we:
- Don’t know that well anymore.
- Never knew that well to begin with.
- Actually do not know. Are we friends with them on Facebook? Of course. But we are in no way friends in real life with them because we share absolutely nothing in common besides a casual like of television. Or eating (which are amazing things to be able to “like” on Facebook, ps).
But that’s my point: we were sitting there talking about people’s lives as we know them to be, entirely based upon facts we’d gleamed from reading their Facebook status updates and monitoring the crap they hit “like” for on the internet. Which is the equivalent to deciding whether a baby is doing well or not based on what he made a noise at that day. Spoiler alert: presumably everything.
Which brings me to the amazing portion of the conversation.
Drew: “Have you seen (name of person I am judging) lately? He seems to be doing really well.”
Lesley: “Oh, you’ve talked to him recently?”
Drew: “No. But I saw him standing in front of an expensive home with a nice car and a girl with fake boobs. So, you know. Did the math there.”
Lesley: “Yeah but, who puts shit on Facebook that’s actually happening in their life? If you did, it would be wildly hilarious, or depressing.”
Yes, Lesley. Yes it would.
So I began to think about a world where people actually wrote on Facebook and took the statement, “What’s on your mind?” a bit more…literally.
And these are the funny things I think people would actually say if they were telling the truth on Facbeook.
“Today was pretty great! Went for a run and thought about my ex-girlfriend the entire time and the guy she’s probably sleeping with! I feel great, physically, but mentally I’m a total trainwreck!”
“Sarah is attending ‘Tara’s 31st Part-ay’ on November 6th. She has no idea why, she fucking hates Tara. But, I dunno. Other people are going and she doesn’t want to look like a bitch.”
“Drank an entire bottle of wine last night. Woke up borderline worried I’m an alcoholic.”
“I just made weird faces in the mirror for no apparent reason.”
“I don’t know the capital of Montana.”
“I just paid too much rent for my apartment that I can’t afford again. Tonight I will go to bed terrified of things like bills and whether or not I’m on a good enough life trajectory.”
“I just cried.”
“Just spent a good portion of the night stalking that one girl I saw the other day. I feel a little weird about it. But at least now I know her favorite movie is Weekend at Bernies. Which, to be fair, surprised me a little.”
“Just read my ex’s Facebook wall for about 20 minutes. Who the fuck is Paul? Why is he writing all over her wall? Also: if you want to check out his profile, he always takes out of focus pictures and he’s not funny. I can’t believe she’s dating this douche. (Jenny, if you’re reading this…this is the guy you’re dating now? Are you dating Paul?)”
“I just had an awkward conversation with my boyfriend about moving in together. We fought. So now I’m posting a funny inside joke on his wall that will detract from the conversation that I will bring up again in about a week when I’m drunk and we’re out with friends!”
“I just liked…I mean you know what, I have no idea why I just liked that. Wait, that shit showed up on my newsfeed?”
“Just posted a really great picture of myself someone took two years ago as my profile picture! I never look like that, i’m actually much heavier these days!”
“I just searched ‘male pajama onesie’ on Google. To detract from that, here’s a picture of me without my shirt on looking masculine.”
“I wonder if I’ll be alone forever! LOVE YOU, GIRLS, SAT NIGHT WAS TOTES FUN!!”
“I have diarrhea. It’s pretty terrible.”
“I just liked a photo on my friend’s wall. But only because there was a hot girl in it, and I wonder if she saw that I liked it and then checked me out. Probably not. Mike, are you dating that chick? I mean, if not. Just sayin’.”
“I just watched an entire season of The Wire in one sitting. I haven’t showered yet today. I smell terrible.”
“I just went to the bathroom.”
“I am now friends with your friend Jenny. Because I slept with her after the party last night, so logically, now we’re Facebook friends, in a roundabout way of letting everyone know that yes, we’re sort of into each other or at least had relations.”
“I haven’t gone outside yet today. I have no itention to.”
“I went to a fancy restaurant with a one word name so I could tell people about it later!”
“I just played the song ‘A Milli’ by Lil Wayne over and over again until I memorized that one really hard line that I could never get, so that the next time it plays at a party, I’ll know it and recite it and people will notice and be impressed with me.”
“I am searching random diseases I may have on WebMD right now, because I’m neurotic. Oh, and it’s a Saturday night.”
“I just searched ‘Kim Kardashian’ sex tape. For no apparent reason. I’m surprised at how easy that was to find.”
“I just talked to my dog. Like he was a person. I’m home alone.”
I basically just explained Twitter.
Stream the whole thing at the link above.