Rocket Shoes

For a lot of my life, people have said that I'm "sorta gay."

And, I get it. I'm pretty effeminate for a dude. Which is funny, because I used the word "pretty" to qualify that statement.

But, no, I get it. I just don't think "gay" is the right word.

I'm girly.

There's a huge difference. I feel bad for gay guys who get pigeonholed into the thought process that being "girly" makes them gay. No, being gay makes them gay.  I can imagine this bothers gay dudes. They just aren't that into girls, so I'm sure they don't want to be told that they are one.

What I am is an entirely different thing.

See, in my formative years, I was raised by a single mom. A single mom who had wanted a girl since she was about -22 years old. Imagine the feeling, then, of not getting a girl. The feeling of getting a household full of burping, farting boys instead. Boys that would never appreciate her love of shoes or bags. Boys that would not appreciate the haircut she got, did you notice? Boys that, put simply, would never be her daughter.

And then I happened.

Sure, I have plenty of total "dude" qualities. Left to my own devices, I'd watch Sportscenter on loop all day. I love movies where shit blows up for no reason. I like whiskey and scotch. I don't understand why it takes so long for girls to get ready. Fill in the next man cliche here. That's the thing: I'm just "dude" enough that most guys don't notice that I'm a girl in man's clothing.

Because then there's the "raised by a woman" part of me.

I love shoes.

Let me say that again.

I fucking love shoes. If buying pairs of them were a sport, I'm Tiger Woods pre-ambien meltdown.

I buy product. Not shampoo, or soap. I buy "product." My shower houses two salon pumps of Bumble and Bumble, Kiehl's and Bliss face wash, and something called "minty scrub soap." I own eye creams. Notice the "s" there? That's because I own multiple eye creams.

I just want to talk. All the time. About nothing but feelings. I have feelings bulimia.

I talk about celebrities using only their first names.

I say an uncomfortable amount of the phrases featured in the Shit Girls Say video.

I do like to dance like no one is watching.

I enjoy a good romantic comedy. So much so that I am ordered to take my best friend (a girl, obviously) to movies by her husband who doesn't want to see them.

I own Ani Difranco albums (this one arguably makes me a lesbian, but they are still girls the last time I checked).

I've been the only male invited to not one but two baby showers.

I cry when I get too drunk.

I am the closest thing a male can get to having a period.

And you know what? Screw it, man. It's who I am.

I'm not a gay guy.

I'm a f%*king girl.

The other day, I was sitting in a cubicle at an office of about 100 people I don't know. I was blaring music in headphones when a song came on that I really liked. It was catchy as all hell, the hook was great. And this is what it sounded like.

Around the fifteenth listen, I wrote my friend Julie this exact statment:

"I'm sitting in a corporate office writing serious ideas about a large brand...with this playing in my headphones. No one around me has any idea. Is this what it feels like to be in the closet?"

To answer my own question:

Yes. This is what it feels like to be in the closet. But not the gay closet.

The "girly dude" closet.

You're all invited to join. I've got at least one pair of shoes for everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 58: Songs I'd Play For You If You Called Me (Maybe)

Stream Disc One right here or download the whole thing in mp3's right here.

Stream Disc Two right here or download the whole thing in mp3's right here.

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29 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “I’m Not Gay. I’m a Girl.”

  • daisy

    March 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    So many things make so much sense all of a sudden.

  • Guess

    March 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Great post D, and so sorry about the shoe thing,I think you have great taste in all things, especially mothers…oh and by the way, next time you go see a romantic comedy, count me in

  • Lilly

    March 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    That song, that song! It’s really not even ok for grown up girls to like that song, but I’m obsessed. What I find even more alarming is that as I listen to it, I think “It really should be ‘Text me, maybe’ because no one in this century calls people anymore.” Which is clearly a sign I am overanalyzing this song.

  • cody

    March 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Yes to PAPA! I am the Lion King = GREAT song.

  • Michele

    March 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    multiple eye creamSSSS?

  • Michelle Ferris

    March 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    You and all your shoes and product and eye creams, (girly) sir, are the best thing since sliced bread. I’m sure of it. I adore you.

    Michelle F
    Low Amine Recipes
    http://aminerecipes.com

  • Jaime

    March 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Dude, I think you just became my new BFF.

    Because YES with the feelings bulimia and the yummy pop songs but also with the Michael Bay-sian movies where shit goes boom because plots are for assholes and the not understanding why it takes girls so long to get dressed (Are your legs shaved? Are you smelly? Yes? No? Time to go).

    Let’s hang out in the girly closet. I’ll bring the whiskey…or whatever that fabulous concoction is that you’re drinking in the above picture.

  • C Razzle

    March 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Wow this makes me miss you soooo much, wanna come over and have a good cry later?

  • Caroline

    March 12, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    Umm I just re-watched Shit Girls Say – and you do say like 99% of those things. And – you look at your phone or texts when you can’t believe your eyes. HILAR.
    LYLAS

  • lucetta

    March 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

    appreciate the boldness. i think you’re onto something here.

    run with it.
    in a girly sort of way … your arms lightly flitting in the air, dancing forward on your toes, casting glances backwards… wait why am I telling you? you’ve got it already. obvi

  • sn

    March 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Man, (or should i say ‘girrrrrl’) you make me laugh!!

  • Trisha Trixie

    March 13, 2012 at 11:23 am

    I love your site. I love this song. I love the PL. I love how quirky you are (like me). I love how honest you are (again like me). Blissbomed sent me over to you and boy am I glad.

    Drew…you rock.

    Keep it up. You make my heart smile. :)

  • brieahn j.

    March 13, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    not gonna lie, that song is super catchy.

  • Molly

    March 13, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    hehe…feelings bulimia : )

  • Carson

    March 15, 2012 at 1:25 am

    I’m a girl who became a dude. I relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m a femme boy, too. Most people live in that closeted grey area between male and female, in my opinion. Particularly, those with any taste in music.

  • Zach

    March 15, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Best mixtape ever.

  • Simon Young

    March 15, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    This is freaking awesome. I was raised by my mother and my older sister (quite a lot older, so really, 2 mothers) … I can so relate to this. But (maybe fortunately) the shoe bug hasn’t bitten. Nice post!

  • Trisha Trixie

    March 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Love CAll me MAybe. Some of the songs on the mixtapes I SUPER liked but I was hoping it was more sounding like Call ME Maybe. I even took the song to Pandora and found a few but I WANT MORE!!!

    Thanks for the MTs though. ROCK ON

  • Addie

    March 18, 2012 at 12:34 am

    Cousin sister shared the same song to me and thought wow this piece is good. It got better when I watched the video. :P

    I hope you won’t mind but I am going to share-post this on my Facebook wall for my guy friends to read. I hope they come clean after.

    Girl dudes are the best. I think I’m gonna marry one.

    • Carolyn

      February 13, 2013 at 4:43 pm

      I married a girl dude… we used to say he was a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. He was a good guy, and we’d probably still be together if I hadn’t decided I liked real girls more. ;)

  • Trishy

    March 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    The greatest blog, ever.

  • Jena

    March 24, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    I’d love to hang out in the girly closet! It would be loads of fun, because we could just be silly and dance around in all the lovely shoes. And videotape it, of course! I’m glad you’re not afraid to be you despite all the crazy stereotypes going on. :) You have an awesome blog, I often come here to read something good!

  • Marcus

    April 27, 2012 at 5:22 am

    There’s gotta be an official term out there SOMEWHERE to describe yourself (and me. Make room in that closet because here I come).

    I’m tore apart by a family upbringing where boys can be boys and masculinity is crucial for society. But also by a strange shift where all things cute and shopping-related is pleasurable. I even wear make-up on the occasion.

  • barbs

    May 4, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    I first heard “Call Me Maybe” on your blog back in March.

    Today, I heard it on the radio and saw this blog post about it. It was so fittingly related to your post about being girly, even in it’s title “Dudes Act Like a Lady.” Thought you may like it – http://www.npr.org/blogs/therecord/2012/05/02/151855832/dudes-act-like-a-lady-call-me-maybe-takes-over-youtube

    Thanks for sharing your stories and music. Your blog is amaze-balls.

  • sequoia

    May 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    man ilove the site

  • Elizabeth

    May 9, 2012 at 10:27 am

    You know, Drew, on the bright side, you’re not gay-looking. I know that’s completely inappropriate and politically UNcorrect, but I hope you won’t be offended. I am a girl, decidedly, and I am such a big fan of “product.” How could we not love product? Keep Bumbling yourself up, bro. By the way, where did you purchase said salon pumps? A girl’s gotta know.

    P.S. I wholeheartedly recommend Macademia Hair stuff. macadamiahair.com
    It is sorta-kinda competing with Moroccan Oil for prime real estate in my locks’ heart.

    • Elizabeth

      May 9, 2012 at 10:27 am

      INcorrect. INcorrect. INcorrect.

  • Arie Jura

    June 17, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    Marry me?
    Just kidding, but really…there need to be more men like this. Men who are a bit feminine, but not gay. I also love Ani DiFranco, and I’m not a lesbian. Good for you for explaining all of this!

  • Mark

    September 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Dude, there’s this board with fingers that state what you are, if you’re index finger is longer then your ring finger, then you are a homosexual man. Now, if your index finger is shorter then your ring finger, then you are a homosexual woman. Please tell me you are a homosexual woman because I too have the same qualities you have. I love to watch comedic romance, things that are Lubby Dubby. One time I got real real emotionally drunk that I cried my ass off and even shit my pants(true story). I too like to listen to woman’s music, jem’s “it’s amazing” is one of my favorites and I just uploaded Carly raes new album to give it a listen. Also, “talk that talk” by Rihanna is one of my favorites as well. Indeed, action movies like the died hard trilogy, godfather, mothafuckin, 300 etc. are my shit, really epic shit are my shit. Can you say that we are lesbians ? Being a complete homo for women. I think for a fact, we are totally rare. Please, give me
    your feedback, email me on what you think. People think I’m bisexual, some think I’m completely gay due to separate groups, some just don’t know what I am and it gets to me. I go goo-goo for women at a massive level, sometimes not even knowing. Other times, I know when I get too goo-goo, you know what i mean? Please message me back, thanks dude and I hope something from my post can spark an idea for you, something new

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