So, I’m usually against music festivals. Just kind of on principal. Not because I’m a “real music fan” or any pretentious crap like that. But because they are overwhelming and basically cause me to be Clark Griswald from the Vacation movies. Here is the train of thought going through anyone’s head at a music festival:

• MY GOD it’s hot/MY GOD it’s cold. I wish I brought my fucking jacket/I wish I didn’t bring my fucking jacket.
• Wait, how much is a beer? Oh, cool, 19 dollars? What are my selections? 3 oz Heineken or 4 oz ‘premium’ Heineken? Perfect. No, I mean, that’s fair.
• I have to pee. Where are the bathrooms? Oh, conveniently located through that corn maze? Wait, what? I have to go through an obstacle course? Did that guy just come out of there with puke on him? Why is he wearing a helmet?
• No, I don’t want to offset my carbon footprint for 13 dollars. Why are you accusing ME of being the asshole who has to offset his carbon footprint? Why don’t you have to also? No, that doesn’t seem sketchy at all that I just give you some money and that “saves the earth” entirely. Why are we fighting, ironic “at the earth destroying music festival in the park” carbon offset man? WHAT DOES THIS ALL EVEN MEAN?
• Yes! My favorite band is playing! They are just 1.2 miles away, through the brush field, beyond the cool-down tent, and the organic trade festival marketplace (where I should definitely BUY shit right now, since I have so much STORAGE for this while I’m at a music festival..?), and then it’s just over there on the 13th stage. The one with 50,000 people watching. I think we can catch one song, kinda sorta!
• Good thing I took drugs. It’d be one thing if I was in a large, chaotic park atmosphere where I can easily get lost while I can’t control my unreal paranoia…PHEW…hey is that a polar bear? Did you guys see that polar bear?!? RUN.

Soooo…now that I’ve whined for a bit (what’s new), I bought a ticket for Lollapalooza this year in Chicago. You know why? Because secretly, I kind of love every reason I just listed up there. The whole experience can be so gratifying in some backwards way.

Here’s the thing: my favorite stories in life are from the times when I went to something like this in some mass hysteria of a crowd. Because people like telling you about the time they saw Radiohead and they walked by their boss in the MIDDLE of the crowd the MINUTE the drugs were kicking in (totally hypothetical again). And they love to laugh about the time they saw the girl hula-hooping and wanted to make fun of the dirty hippie, but then thought she was kind of hot and instead tried to hook up with her. Or the time they crouched in the corner with their friend eating funnel cakes, laughing about how they only seem to sell funnel cakes at sporting events, mass drug taking events and dirty carnivals or theme parks. See? These are good memories.

And sure, you get these memories by spending an outlandish amount of money and getting dehydrated for like three days straight. It’s confusing, just like how the hypercolor t-shirt works. But isn’t that kind of why you love it? Because pretentious white music fans LOVE to complain while at the same time having the time of their lives. It’s like music festivals were made for the website stuff white people like. And I’m so fine being that cliché.

So when I saw the lineup this year, I peed my pants and bought a ticket without thinking about how I will get there or where I will stay (because i’m logical). Because it’s a great excuse to go fly to Chicago and kinda-sorta see seventy some bands. And watch people like this exist. And seriously, the amount of bands I like at this thing is just silly and makes me want to put on my rocket shoes, high five God and then go play skee-ball (because that game brings me pure joy…pure joy).

Since I apparently have too much free time on my hands, I have put together an absurd compilation of close to every band playing at the show this year. I left out people who I am afraid of (Tool), people who bother me when I realize that I would have liked them when I was in college (Asher Roth), and people who just should have thought a little harder before they made this their band name (Thenewno2. This band name is not okay). Otherwise, go ahead and blow your mind. I’ll be busy trying to draw up a map for how to get around the festival and then convince myself that this doesn’t make me a terrifying, anal-retentive individual. The festival IS four months away!

(I’m not really doing that, I’m eating pistachioes! HA! See how I tricked you? GOD I’m good)

The LollapaOHMYGODza Compilation: Because If You Aren’t Terrified of How Good This Lineup Is, You Are Tacky And I Hate You

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