Dear Death Cab For Cutie,
Hey, It’s Drew. I know! I love you guys too! Anyways…so umm…I downloaded your album a while back before it came out. Yeah I know, I was like, “man, death cab has a new album out? god, I LOVE those guys! I mean, so much that I have a nickname for them like we are besties and go to the movies together and laugh about how funny batman’s “bat” voice is! I should download it and then buy it when the official version comes out!” So anyways…I downloaded it, JUST to preview it and all that. I was kind of thinking, “man this is a downer album. when did they start taking valium every nine seconds?” But I guess you DIDN’T take valium every nine seconds, and instead I downloaded a fake version of your album that was actually by a band from Germany that sounds like you. Yeah, Velveteen! How’d you know? Oh you hate them? Yeah, me too. But only now that the album isn’t yours. Because I kind of still enjoyed the album before I knew that. Which I think makes me a loser.
Anyways, you don’t make bad songs. Ever. This song is like musical crack to me right now. What a silly name, too! You guys must do funny stuff up in Washington now that you are bazilliontrillionaires, like buy really hip espresso makers and really nice umbrellas made by cool companies I’ve never heard of. Okay, well, talk to you later! I’ll be here pretending like I knew that album wasn’t yours.
Love,
Drew/I’m Dumb
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Jason added these pithy words on 
My name is Drew. I live in San Francisco. I just want someone to invent a hoverboard. Until then, I'm gonna rant about everything and make mixtapes. You should hang out. K bye.
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