It’s that lovely time of year to make resolutions again.

Instead of that, though, I’d kind of rather just go through a laundry list of what I learned this year. Because I think most of us know what our resolutions are. You know, I assume you want to lose weight. Or “not be a drunk”. Or “meet the girl/boy of your dreams”. You know, we all get it. We don’t need to tell each other why we’re going to be the best.

So here’s what I learned from 2010. Because, well, that makes more sense to talk about.

1. Always write about the San Francisco Giants. Even if it has nothing to do with the San Francisco Giants. If you eat a sandwich and enjoy it? Boom. 1,000 words about the Giants. Does your foot hurt? 300 page book about the Giants. Done. This is apparently what people like to read.

2. Don’t cry to other men at weddings, ever. Or if you do, at least have someone to sleep with afterwards so it will offset what you just did.

3. Don’t wake up in hospitals. This one isn’t funny. Because I woke up in a hospital unaware of how I got there and it wasn’t funny at all. Think of the least funny thing in the world (like the color beige), multiply it by 2,038,827, and then pretend you have to hang out with Mel Gibson. That’s how I feel about this one, as an all encompassing feeling. Sidenote: it’s really tough to write out a number in the millions followed by a comma. It looks silly.

4. I am never going to like bananas. They ruin everything.

5. I like brussel sprouts. They’re the girl I always thought was ugly in high school and then I saw her when I grew up and she works out now and actually has great taste in music and we totally finish each other’s sentences.

6. I think satellite dishes are lying. Seriously, look at one. I feel like they officially look like a kid with tinfoil on it’s head telling you the aliens are coming. There is no way we need a 322 lb. device hanging off of our house directed at the sky with a laser beam to watch ESPN. Guess what: I have used wireless internet. It goes fast. You’re lying, satellite television. You don’t need that device. Let it go.

7. You can drink milk one or two days after the expiration date. You don’t die.

8. Nobody gets phone reception on BART. Anyone talking on the phone in a subway is lying.

9. I will never respect the person on MUNI who pulls the “request stop” cord for any stop that MUNI is required to make always. Never. Stop tugging the cord at Montgomery station. We’re already stopping there. Stop it.

10. There is nothing fun about fun size candy bars. They are only mocking you. You’re going to want more.

11. A person who has a pet iguana is not a person you ever want to know. Ever.

12. No one looks good in a Mazda Miata or a PT Cruiser. Ever.

13. Your neighbor won’t respect you for giving a tyrannosaurus rex headlamp to their child. They are hispanic. You represent everything that is wrong with the neighborhood, ironic white guy. Give up now.

14. Vegans are too demanding. You’re running out of things to eat and points to make. Just have some cheese. It’s really good. Nobody got hurt. It’s cheese. Seriously, watching you eat is tiring. I just worry you do not get enough food.

15. Your face does not know the difference between “really expensive face wash” and “not expensive soap.” You’re making your life too expensive, Drew. Stop it.

16. Everything sounds better in french. They are almost always assholes. But say anything to me in French and I’ll be your Tina, Ike.

17. I have become completely confused as to why we ever stopped making the two dollar bill. Seriously. It’s a completely rational increment of money, and makes sense as a reasonable even-numbered option to the odd-numbered five dollar bill. Just sayin’.

18. If you wear a button-up shirt but don’t button it, and it’s windy out, and then you stretch your arms out, you look like Michael Jackson and it’s funny. But then you realize he’s dead. And it’s a big bummer. But still kind of funny.

19. I cannot subscribe to anymore one-day deal websites, because I get more emails from them than any of my actual friends. And when I receive word from them each morning, I will inevitably buy 50% off of a backpack I already had. Which will be confusing.

20. If someone says, “what time is it?” and you see they’re not wearing a watch and then you say, “time to get a new watch,” that joke is finally kind of funny again.

21. Smoking pot isn’t as fun as it was in college after you’ve turned 28. Now, you’re just concerned about whether or not you’ve paid your bills and if you’re making good life decisions. And then you’ll immediately think you’re not making good life decisions, because you got high. Apparently, this isn’t 19 years old anymore, when waking up to the Fantasia 2000 DVD menu was hilarious because you knew the sequence of songs by heart, and that made you realize you had gotten high again.

22. Everyone you know is either reading or has read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Everyone. It’s confusing. Is it that good? Or do people just like Swedish people and the promise of Dragons?

And finally…

23. I’m always going to be an outlandishly neurotic Jew. It’s just time to embrace it this year.

Ladies?

Happy new year, everyone. About a month late.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 38: If I don’t wake up in a hospital again this year, that means I win.

Stream the whole thing right here.

Or.

Download the whole thing in MP3′s right here.

(And I found that photo on the internet. It said to me: New Years! + You’re naked in a hospital bed! So, there you have it.)

Dear SF Muni,

Fuck you.

Let me start over.

Fuck you.

You are the public transportation system. Say that out loud. You are, supposedly, the way I should transport myself. You know, to places like “everywhere” and “anywhere”. So let me just say I’m a little bit confused.

I like to think of you like someone I’m dating (I know, a truly novel and original metaphor for me). And a few months ago, you basically told me you were exhausted. A lot of people were complaining about you, and you felt like you needed a little space. Just a little more time to yourself, because we’d been hanging out too often. I was frustrated when you said this, but I’m a good boyfriend, so I listened. I was like, “Hey, sure, if that’s what’s going to make this work a little better, you change your routes up. I’m even cool if you come by less often than you used to…if that’s what you need…” When you told me you needed a little more money to cover the rent…I figured it was cool. You weren’t a deadbeat significant other, and when times got better you’d pay me back.

I’m done with your lies.

You show up late. When you do show up, you’re a total asshole. Your driver acts like it’s a serious inconvenience that I’ve burdened him with the “driving people around in a bus” part of his “driving people around in a bus” part of his job. I mean, I wouldn’t take a job at the ice cream store and sigh when people asked for a goddamn sugar cone. Also, I would like to figure out where you are training your drivers. Have they used brakes on a bicycle before? Same theory. Just ease up a bit. If you push it lightly, the brakes are going to work. There’s no need to play the “can I catapult Drew into the awkward guy who’s mouth breathing in sweat pants” game. That was fun when you were on time. Hell, at the beginning of the relationship? It was one of those weird reasons I liked you: it was kind of cute in some effed up way.

It now costs me two dollars to be late to everything. Which seems like a really shitty deal. When did you become the cable guy, telling me vaguely that you’d be over at my place sometime between the morning and roughly any time ever, including never? This is not a schedule, unless you are smoking weed all day and you totally got caught up in that Man vs. Wild episode where Bear got stuck in a swamp and ate a fish while it was still alive (which, I’ll agree with you, was fascinating, you’re totally right).

My favorite is when you’re late and act like I’m the asshole. Oh, you’re too full? That’s cool, there’s another bus coming within today and when I have my first child. When I do get on, I feel like I’m holding on to the railing for dear life. I get it. You’re angry. We are too.

It used to be endearing. The guy who looked like a meth head wearing one head phone not attached to a portable music device? This was even charming before. But when I’m paying two bucks to sit next to this guy while I’m also late to everything I ever want to do? Not that adorable. Stop being the DMV, who just gave up and decided to be terrible at life from day one.

You are a transportation system. For a major metropolitan city. Put on your big boy pants and start trying a little harder. Thanks.

Love,

Drew. And presumably anyone else who lives in the city of San Francisco.

p.s. The sex was never that good, anyway. I never thought I’d say this, but BART is better in bed.

Booooo. BOOOOOOO.