Seeing as it’s Sunday and my life sometimes resembles a 40 year old Soccer Mom (sans the children, mini-van or “I’ve got my life figured out and together” part), I took a trip to everyone’s favorite “it’s so sad that I find this to be an outing” store, Bed Bath and Beyond. Whether you admit it or not, everyone goes here every now and again and it’s kind of like Costco: you go to buy the most obscure shit on the planet and leave with 14 things you in no way needed. You know how ridiculous a Costco trip is…you go to buy 20 pairs of socks, a lifetime supply of cheez-it’s (just me? just me) and of course, booze in “I’m an alcoholic” portions. Bed Bath and Beyond is fairly similar. You go to buy a wok and some towels (which is ridiculous enough to begin with) and leave with a new shower head, two oscillating fans and a candle (again, crickets…judge, I bought a candle. Screw you). And I always kind of loved that about the place: they come at you from ninety different angles and it’s almost like you just submit. It’s as though the store is an 8 year old you’re babysitting and just do whatever it tells you because you don’t want to hurt it’s feelings. If it wants to play “everyone’s a robot”, you play “everyone’s a robot.” Today’s trip, however, bothered me.

The triple B is out of control. Where it used to be kind of funny that they had weird trinkets and doo-dads, it’s just getting weird now. It’s like the store is on an episode of hoarders (if you haven’t watched this show, don’t: it’s the most horrific thing I’ve ever viewed). Apparently, the buyers at Bed Bath and Beyond cannot say no to any vendors anymore.

Bed Bath and Beyond: “Okay, could you send us some down comforters, some pillows, um…let’s see, some towels..”

Vendor: “Great. How about some army men, every product that is marketed ‘As Seen on TV’ and two walkie talkies?”

Bed Bath and Beyond: “Um, we really don’t need that. We’re just kind of a domestic store, so..”

Vendor: “Trust us, people are gonna LOVE this shit. And you are marketed as “Beyond”, so why not get a little risky? We’ll send you a robot dog toy as well.”

Bed Bath and Beyond: “Okay. Yeah, I guess you’re right. We’ll just put that stuff next to the bedding, because that seems logical.”

I don’t even think I’m exaggerating this fake phone call, either. Here are some items I saw on my way to buying a pillow top for my mattress today.

USB Mp3 Turntable: Obviously, this will come in handy when you want to spin crazy tunes with your new…pots and pans. Apparently, Bed Bath and Beyond presumes you are either a drug addict raver or a 13 year old teenage male. Either are logical, as you came here to buy towels. (?)

12-In-1 Wooden Game Set: Again, they are getting a little liberal with the ‘beyond’ part here, no? I just don’t see the connect with “I came here to buy bedding” and “I want to play checkers!”. So confused.

Fake Walkie Talkies: This was maybe my favorite. Because they weren’t even real. They just figure if you are decorating your home, maybe you’ll also want to be treated like a four year old and be given a fake walkie talkie to keep you busy so Mom and Dad can finally get some time to relax. This was located next to the shower heads. Seriously.

Roller Skates: …no, seriously. Roller skates. Now if I’m ever just sitting around wondering where I can finally purchase that set of 1970′s roller skates that I’ve always wanted, I’ll know where to go. To the bedding store.

A USED bottle of hand soap: Apparently Bed Bath and Beyond thinks “Beyond” means “You’re a hobo/You’re THAT poor.” Don’t believe me? You should.

Trying to navigate your shopping cart around the place is awkward now. They can barely fit in the aisles because there is so much useless shit there. Are they honestly turning a profit? You’re telling me they don’t end the day and think, “Welp, maybe we shouldn’t order any more pairs of roller skates, they just aren’t moving like we thought they would.”

Sure, I’m the asshole. Because at the end of the day? I spent my Sunday afternoon going to a store named Bed Bath and Beyond. I just think someone needs to tell them to maybe calm down with their liberal use of “Beyond.” It’s a bit much now.

I just wanted a fucking towel.

On that note, seeing as it’s Chanuka and the Jew in me is into the eight crazy nights spirit, I couldn’t sit on my hands for another minute apparently and went ahead and made another mix. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the terrifying experience I had at this store today.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 17: Mixtapes the Jewish Way (every goddamn night a new one)

And you can download the whole thing here.

Challahhhhh.