So I got to thinking the other day at work. The microwave is a terrifying, odd device. Here’s my thought process anyway.

We are all terrified of radiation and cancer and all that. The whole, “ahhh we’re all gonna die if we put cell phones to our head or drink splenda or enjoy non-fat potato chips” thing is borderline out of control. As I’ve said before. the bluetooth thing…while extremely, EXTREMELY cool in theory (no wires/your brain won’t get melted from radiation or..I dunno something like that), just turned out to be a way that everyone could look really stupid with a blinking device on their ear. Oh, and when people call all the conversation ends up being is awkward, due to the, “this conversation kind of sucks, because I can’t hear you when you are talking in a wind tunnel.” At this point, the person wearing the bluetooth headset usually takes it off after an angry exchange with the person they are on the phone with about how it sounds fine to them, and then the call at this point usually just drops, because apparently no one has any clue how to use a bluetooth device, or why for ANY reason it is called “bluetooth”. So hooray Motorola! You’ve made us all look retarded…and you’ve made people in tacky suits look important everywhere!

Where was I.

The microwave. WHY are we not HORRIFIED of this device? Seriously, think about that thing. It’s the most basic, yet terrifying device I have ever seen. You put in something that is cold. You hit a button….and it starts humming. Just…HUMMING. And please don’t write explaining the microwave to me, I’m sure there are great explanations on how a microwave works. Thanks in advance. But that’s not the point. It just hums…and then we take whatever we put in it…which oh by the way NOW YOU CAN’T TOUCH BECAUSE A MAGICAL WAVE HAS MADE IT BOILING…and we just eat or drink it. Um, cool. We won’t put a cell phone to our heads anymore, but we’re totally cool with eating radioactive popcorn or coffee that’s been magically transformed into death heat liquid….am I the only one who looks at the microwave and finds this totally creepy?

Oh and ps, there is a grill on the front with tiny little holes all over (look at the microwave door) that apparently is saving us from the radioactivity. This is what the braniacs came up with to prevent us from dying from micro…waves? Are they that dangerous? If so, why do I want them in my popcorn?

After all this, it still stands that I think more than anything I’m just horrified because as a kid I’d sit next to the microwave and stick my forehead on the door staring in at my bagel dog thinking, “cmonbageldogcmonbageldogcmonbageldog”…so that’s got me feeling pretty good about my cancer chances.

I bet a macrowave would be awesome. I don’t really know why though.

I’m going to go buy a bluetooth headset so I can look really dumb now. See you later.

(For those keeping score at home, that’s TWO reposts from an old myspace blog in one day. But I had this conversation at work today and it brought back memories of when I did nothing at work and how I missed that. Wait do I do anything yet?)

I’ve written about my hatred for the bluetooth takeover going on around the world. Honestly, when I see people with bluetooth headsets, I want to call them mean names in the street and tell them that while it may seem like it’s the year 2020 and we should all wear devices that can shoot lasers from our head, we’re JUST not there yet. This takes it to a new level though.

WHY. WHY on EARTH does this exist? This looks like an SNL joke. Why don’t you just give me a pair of mom jeans and we’ll call it a day (or hammer pants. those would be cooler than this. wait those are cool…). Now if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to go vomit in my own mouth, while making phone calls. Holding my phone. Like a big boy. I hope they make a spoon holder that holds my spoon for me and eats my cereal for me next.

(here is the site for this ridiculousness if you’d like to buy one or spit out your coffee reading up on it)

So California made a judgement call, and I used to respect it. Everyone was getting into car accidents while talking on their phone, so the logical answer was to make a law that says you can’t talk on your cell phone in the car. Which was awesome. Until this spawned EVERYONE and their mother buying a bluetooth headset. And this makes me want to punch babies.

I hate bluetooth headsets. I may hate them more than I hate cilantro. And I really hate cilantro, it ruins any food that it touches, it’s like the chlamydia of foods. Anyways. Thanks California! Now everybody in the state turned into a giant d-bag with a blinking head. And the best part? I don’t think anyone ever uses them. They just have them on. Because heaven forbid you pick up your phone and actually put it to your ear. Oh, you don’t do that, bluetooth d-bag, because you don’t want cancer? I’m sure the ROBOTIC DEVICE attached to your ear is free of cancer-making-nano-echo-five-bravo waves. Good thinking.

Sure, the most guilty guy is the loser businessman…so I mean, we saw this one coming anyways. But when I see that guy taking it to the next level and now wearing his bluetooth headset while getting dinner with his wife or girlfriend? Really? Really. That’s like saying, “Hey, i’m really glad we could hang out. I’m going to also keep my phone attached to my head though because I’m hoping for another option of friendship to open up so I can openly access it right in your face, insinuating how little i’d like to hang out with you. Would you like a bottle of wine?”

Take the fucking headset off unless you are juggling knives or driving your car at extreme speeds on a freeway please. Otherwise, I’m assuming you have a hand free. Douche.