mixtape

December 14, 2011 · 12 comments

I Have a Pedialyte Drinking Problem, Toothpaste Scares Me, and So Forth.

If I were a cop, I’d just park across the street from a KFC/Taco Bell every night. I mean, it’s gotta be a 100% arrest rate when people drive out of the drive-thru, right? Anyone buying an actual bucket of chicken or a sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken used as the bread are on drugs 1,976% of ...

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October 19, 2011 · 7 comments

I Have Never Closed My Eyes. Ever.

I was informed today by someone with a medical degree that I have not been able to close my eyes my entire life. I’ll wait while you digest that. No, seriously: A doctor told me that I am incapable, and have been my ENTIRE LIFE, of closing my eyes. (!!!) This was the actual conversation. ...

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October 10, 2011 · 7 comments

Board Games. Revisited as an Adult.

I am not a competitive person by nature. I’m certainly not someone who’s ever going to get something by means of bargaining or having that “killer instinct” that people speak of that gets you ahead in life. (Side note: Can we talk about how messed up the term “killer instinct” is? We casually throw around ...

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September 16, 2011 · 12 comments

Things that are difficult to do without a girlfriend.

Play Jenga. It’s really anticlimactic when you play yourself. Go to a farmer’s market on a Sunday. Seriously, go without a cute girl. “Yeah, just pickin’ up my organic blueberries. You, uh…you come to this…stand…often?” It’s like a really, really refined creepy. Pronounce words like acai, or have any idea what that is. For some ...

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