Let’s all pretend to feel bad for Levi Johnston. I mean, he’s just a random 18 year-old kid who thought, “Hey, you know what would be awesome? Having sex! I should totally start doing that.” And you know what, Levi? Not a bad idea. Here’s where you misfired though (HEY o!)…

Yes, Levi. Sleeping with girls is a fantastic idea. You know what else is? Maybe wearing a “no babies” device while doing so. And here’s the real bummer: you picked the governor’s daughter. I know, I know. I bet it was like, high fives all around when you were telling your hockey bros about this. I bet you are prettttty pissed at John McCain right now though. I mean, what are the odds that the girl’s mom you were doing was possibly going to become the new vice president? Because now? Um, I don’t think you are really getting out of this one. Oh you have hockey practice? Guess what! Now you have “take care of a baby” practice! You have the Republican National Convention! Oh also, if you leave Bristol now you are the biggest dick in the entire world and your entire state will hate you. No pressure though.

In all honesty? I feel bad for the guy. Yes…his myspace page makes him sound like the biggest douchewad on the entire earth. But you know what? He’s in high school or college. This is essentially where everyone (parents) sticks you for four years so they just don’t really have to deal with you. I mean, college is essentially just a holding bay for idiots, or mini-adults who can’t really do anything…at all yet. So when you go there? This is the kind of thing you do. You sleep with people. You make horrible decisions. Also, in a sidenote I just judged an 18 year old’s myspace page, so that’s embarrassing. Maybe later on today I can go make fun of a six year old’s dribbling skills at a soccer practice!

I guess it just goes to show you shouldn’t sleep with a government official’s kid. Maybe next time just pick the cheerleader whose mom works at the puffy paint shop or the moose-hunting store. Not the “leader of the free world” store.