Sometimes, when you feel like you have nothing to write about, God intervenes. Even if you are Jewish and accidentally had a misunderstanding with his son, Jesus.

(God, sidenote: Jesus and I are cool now. I pretended to be his bestie when I was at church camp, but it was only to try to feel a girl up that night who only liked guys who were into “Jesus” or whatever. I asked myself “what would Jesus do”, and my inner-Jesus said, “use himself to try and score some ass.”)

I was walking up the stairs from my parking garage tonight, and as I get to the street level, I see two completely shady looking guys standing at the doorway. They give me a look, and so of course, I do the only logical thing you do when people who look like they will shank you for drug money: I opened the door for them letting them into my complex. If they DO kill me, at least at my funeral they’d say things like, “he was the nicest guy, he’d open the door for anyone.” These are the things I think about.

So my first red flag here was the sheer excitement the one guy let off, as though I’d just opened the front gates to Disneyland. I wanted to tell him that Space Mountain wasn’t running today, but I figured he wouldn’t get the joke and then we’d just be in an awkward moment. You know, like the rest of my life, which I’m pretty sure is just one big perpetual awkward moment. (This joke, however, would have been really funny in retrospect)

So as I continue to walk up the stairs, the guy and his friend are walking awfully close to me. Don’t get me wrong, I like to hold hands with strangers and even get freaked from behind by them like at the Prom during slow jamz (the use of the letter “z” in the word “jamz” should be mandatory). But it felt a little weird. So I do the awkward scared white guy thing and just walk a little faster while also thinking in my head about how they teach girls to carry their keys in between their knuckles as a weapon in case of rape. I’m not sure that’s an “awkward white guy” thing as much as it’s a “really? you thought of how to not get raped?” thing.

So as I’m walking up to my apartment, I just casually walk in to my place and go to get a glass of water. And at this moment, I realize that one of the guys is in my kitchen. And at this moment, I realized I was their drug dealer.

Drew: “Oh, this is awkward. But um, I’m not the guy I think you are looking for.”

Creepy Sweating Guy: “Oh you aren’t Ryan?”

Drew: “Nope. So that would make this ‘not Ryan’s’ apartment that you are standing in.”

What I should have said was this.

Drew: “If ‘you aren’t Ryan?’ is slang for ‘you aren’t my drug dealer?’, then…yes.”

I cannot express the amount of fear in the man’s face when he realized he had done a number of things wrong.

• He had just proclaimed to a total stranger that he has a drug problem. Awkward.
• He had just walked into a stranger’s apartment, while also proclaiming to said total stranger that he leads a sketchy lifestyle and also has a drug problem. Awkward.
• He had not acquired his drugs, and apparently nor did he know where his drug dealer lived to alleviate this problem. Awkward

At this moment, we have the Dazed and Confused “wrong Mr. Pickford all together” discussion, and he shuffles out of the apartment looking like he just got caught masturbating or something. Here’s the best part.

My roommate and his sister were standing right outside this whole time on our patio. Meaning the other guy was just standing with two OTHER total strangers, probably slowly realizing that this was not, in fact, his buddy’s drug dealer’s apartment. Even better, my roommate was standing there wondering if I was either a drug dealer, male prostitute, or in the habit of picking up random guys and taking them home to watch the season premiere of The Office. Any of these situations should have Dave a little worried about what went on in his apartment when he stayed at his girlfriend’s place.

There are a few good takeaways from this.

It’s probably not the best idea to open the door for two random guys who look like they may or may not be in the habit of purchasing drugs. It’s also probably a good idea not to leave out a bag of weed on your kitchen island when you went to a concert the night before, because if strangers come over they will probably think that this is, in fact, their drug dealer’s house.

But most importantly, a guy named Ryan deals drugs in my apartment complex. So at least I know where to go if I ever need to score something now.

The following takes place between 9am and 10am. All events occur in real time.

Drew sits at his desk. He’s just arrived to work late again, and realizes there is a ton to do. So he drags out removing his laptop from his bag, possibly even taking one minute and fifty eight seconds to plug in 2 USB cords and the power cord. He then maybe checks to see if the ginger ale he left there yesterday is kind of not that luke warm, because if it isn’t? He’s going to pretend he’s on an airplane (the only place anyone else on the planet drinks ginger ale) and drink it as fast as possible. Because if he were on an airplane? He oddly has about 13 seconds before the flight attendant inexplicably is back to pick up trash. (Sidenote: if everyone drank beverages like we were on an airplane, we’d all be peeing every 6 minutes. This is scientific fact)

Drew: “Goooood morning campers!”

Brendan: “Sup Brooooham.”

Ryan: …waits about 12 seconds, removes headphones.) “hey.”

For the next 2 minutes, nothing happens at all. No, seriously. Nothing. Adam might say hi on IM because Drew just logged in.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL
Boop (first window appears with Drew still plugging in USB cords and eyeing the ginger ale) Beep (second window appears with Brendan staring at his computer saying nothing) Boop (third window appears with Ryan staring at his computer saying nothing) Beep (fourth window appears with Sam strangely wide awake and seeming as though he’s done more than the other three in the last 4 years combined since he arrived at 8:42am) Boop…

Cut to Drew now walking towards the kitchen. Even though there is still a lot to do, Drew obviously goes over to Kenny the IT guy to talk about how the Warriors are terrible. People do lots of work around Drew and Kenny. About 6 minutes later, Drew and Kenny end the conversation realizing it makes less sense that they are Golden State Warriors fans than it would to randomly wake up and decide to punch yourself in the shins repeatedly. Feeling satisfied that he’s done nothing with his life yet today, Drew moves on. But not before stopping to see what the other people who do work are working on.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL (my god, seriously subway? How much ad space did you buy? Who can eat one foot of sandwich and not be fat?)
Boop. (first window appears with Drew staring at the toaster, as though willing his English muffin to toast faster) Beep (Richard walks in through the elevator down the hall, wearing a really funny t-shirt that drew and him will no doubt marvel at in about 14 seconds) Boop (third window appears with Drew still staring at the toaster) Beep (inexplicably, the fourth window is just another angle of Drew staring at the toaster. No, seriously.) Boop…

Richard walks in the Kitchen. Drew runs over, chest bumps him (to which Richard for some reason knows is coming), then shoots a fake basketball over Richard’s head and then fist pumps as though he’s just played a real sport (Richard also sees this coming and rejects it, leading to an argument)

Drew: “I totally just scored on you.”

Richard: “No, I knew you were going to shoot and so I blocked it. Again, Drew. Kind of like yesterday.”

Drew: “No, I knew you would try to block it, so I set the ball on fire and wore my invisible ‘my hands can’t light on fire when I wear these gloves and shoot fire basketballs’ gloves.”

Richard: “Oh, but I already wore MY invisible fire retardant gloves when I woke up this morning. And I also wore my ‘it’s impossible to play invisible basketball’ gloves today, so we actually can’t play invisible basketball. Because it’s not a real sport. And not possible.”

Drew: “Your mom’s an invisible basketball.”

At this point, Drew’s English muffin is burning in the toaster. Because he stopped watching it to go play invisible basketball.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL (“five…five…five dollar foooooot longggggssss…)
Boop (first window opens to Drew cooking another English muffin) Beep (second window opens to random people walking in looking on in terror as Drew and Richard are still debating the invisible basketball game) Boop (third window opens to people in other offices in the world, doing work. For no reason other than this would be funny) Beep (fourth window opens to Brendan staring at his computer, saying nothing) Boop…

Drew walks back to his desk. He says, “Sup Bud” to Bud and laughs to himself, because that guys name is ACTUALLY Bud, and this only gets funnier every day. Bud kind of looks unamused again, but realizes Drew is kind of like a “special” kid and just lets it go, hoping Drew will stop doing this eventually if he enables it a bit longer. Drew walks back into his office, which is actually just a room within the loft that he works in with three other guys which ironically has no ceiling, and therefore would not be considered an office to any other person on planet America, and sits down. Drew continues to plug in USB cords, wondering how many keyboards he has at this point and why they have so many USB cords that he must plug in. He re-routes the satellites and yells at Chloe that, “THERE’S NO TIME!” He then realizes he can’t re-route satellites and that Chloe is a make believe character on the hit television show 24 (Mondays, 8/9c). They start to say inappropriate things that get most people fired, because it’s cool, they are in an office. You know, with no ceiling. The head of production walks by, wondering when he should tell the guys that this isn’t a real office and no one actually takes them seriously because they are on facebook all day and are also apparently 9 years old from the sounds of their conversations. Drew finally plugs in his last USB cord, and settles in.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL (wait, Prison Break is in it’s fourth season? Should this win an award for “most poorly conceived show title that didn’t think ahead to the possibility that there would be more than one seaon, and therefore they would no longer be breaking out of a prison”?)
Boop (first window opens to Drew opening facebook and thinking of a witty status update, even though he’s done nothing yet with his life that would dictate doing so today) Beep (second window opens to Brendan staring at his computer, saying nothing) Boop (third window opens to a girl walking by the guys “office”, causing everyone to wonder who the new girl is and if she’s single, and if we should therefore go after her because that’s a terrible idea and she’s also not into us by default because we are us) Beep (fourth window opens to Jason walking by the guys office with a pen in his mouth, because he always has a pen in his mouth and he’s dressed better than everyone and therefore can do this) Boop…

Jason stares at the guys, kind of confused on why he employs them.

Jason: “You guys want to talk at 4 about awards shows?”

Brendan: “Yeah for sure. Hey Jaso..” (Jason walks away)

Brendan: “Want to sit down and brainstorm in like 20?”

Jason: Says nothing. Because Jason walked away and Brendan refused to believe this happened like a kid whose Dad never showed up to his soccer game, yet he never came to grips with it.

Brendan: “Alright, epic.” (Ironically, this is not said sarcastically, which makes it funny)

Drew and Ryan stare at their computers and probably make the “You want to take his face…off” joke they make every morning, because quoting the movie Face Off never gets old. They high five and laugh again at how funny they are. Brendan asks if everyone wants to sit down and talk for a few minutes about what they are going to do that day. They all agree, and everyone leaves the room to go to the conference room, because for some reason they need to be in a closed room to talk about this stuff. Because it turns out they don’t have ceilings or any privacy in their office that isn’t an office. And they are probably going to talk about inappropriate things that have nothing to do with work, and they better not talk about that in a room with no ceiling or walls like they just did 22 minutes ago, or they’d probably get fired. Drew is behind them, now unplugging all of his USB cords. This takes another 3 minutes and leaves Drew highly discouraged at how difficult it is to unplug all of these cords.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. (Show ends)

(By this time, Jack Bauer has saved America at least four times and hasn’t gone to the bathroom once in six days. Drew, amongst the rest of the world, is confused on how this is possible.)