Episode 6: I’m dying of hypothermia. Just kidding, I’m fucking crazy!
Where We Left Off
Yesterday, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 2 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 9.
The girls who were declared “not the prettiest princess” were:
Jackie, because oh who cares.
And Robyn, because a black woman can only go so far on this show, even if they’re kinda white.
Sean had a one-on-one dates with Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date and a two-on-one date with Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome and Jackie, the girl who may as well have been a hamburger consultant. In one he found out that the girl doesn’t know what a helicopter is and in the other he found out a girl had more red flags than we could have ever imagined and therefore decided to continue pursuing her. Other than that, a girl thought a goat was a dog, another drank a cup of goats milk to prove her love for Sean, and everyone would like Tierra to die in a fire.
In the second of the back-to-back episodes, we’ve been promised that someone may or may not die of hypothermia towards the end of the episode because she went in a frozen lake and no, seriously, they’re gonna show us this time and if they don’t we are all just going to fucking snap.
We open on a shot of Sean standing on top of a mountain talking about how he’s having some doubts about finding a wife on national television, and I wonder why the whole “I already tried to marry someone on television once and it didn’t work out” thing wasn’t a scosh of a red flag for him.
The girls are meeting Sean in Lake Louise, which is in Alberta, Canada / possibly heaven.
I think to myself how I’d really like to travel there, but worry that when people ask me why I went there I’d say, “because I saw it on The Bachelor,” and then no one would like me, ever.
As the girls arrive, they blur out the location of their hotel, as though it is a secret we cannot know.
Approximately 42 seconds later, they show us a giant sign with the name of the hotel. So.
We find out that the first one-on-one date is going to be Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef. Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, is sad because Sean has asked every single person in the televised round robin marriage tournament on a date except her. Even people he eliminated.
I feel bad for her for a second because that is, in fact, embarrassing. But then a friend sends me this video and nope, don’t feel bad anymore.
Once when I was 12, I saw a tree fall on someone I didn’t know so I’m sad sometimes.
Before their date, Sean has Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, stand out in the middle of a frozen tundra because, romance.
Sean pics her up in a snow bus, which is apparently a thing.
They drive to the top of a mountain and Sean brings the vehicle to a complete stop, then grabs the walkie talkie on the bus and says, “please stay seated until the vehicle comes to a complete stop” because Sean doesn’t understand physics or how to tell good jokes.
For the rest of the day, they do handstands and summersaults and make snow angels and no YOU’RE the cutest, NO YOU’RE the cutest.
Later that night, they go to a castle made of ice because he is a prince and she is the princess.
Sean says, “Catherine and I are in this insane ice castle, just surrounded by ice.” I feel like someone off camera just said, “Sean, can you tell us what’s INSIDE the ice castle?” and he answered correctly and then got a treat.
This part of a one-on-one is usually where the girl tells a sad story about being adopted, or how she had her heart broken. Catherine seemingly doesn’t have anything sad to talk about, so she tells him about this one time when she was at camp and a tree fell on a girl in front of her and died. She says that this made her want to grow up and get married and have a family, and those two things have nothing to do with each other.
In real life, if a girl told you a story about seeing a tree fall on someone they didn’t know when they were twelve on a second date, then started crying, you’d run for the fucking hills. But they’re in an ice castle.
It doesn’t matter though, because no YOU’RE the cutest. Sean gives her the rose and eats her face.
Help, I’m dying of making up things I’m dying of to not get eliminated from a televised dating show.
It’s time for the group date, and from the previews what we’re all hoping is the part where Tierra starts dying of hypothermia, and/or Munchausen’s.
Sean meets the girls for the date and tells them that they’re going to be canoeing across a lake, and Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we’re not supposed to talk about it) just canNOT catch a break. Surprisingly, she paddles the shit out of that canoe, and deep down we’re all pretty stoked for one arm.
Leslie, the girl Sean sits in dark rooms with, gets to ride in Sean’s Canoe, and that makes Selma angry, and we all know that when Selma gets angry she gets angry.
She says that she wishes a shark would just pop out of the lake to eat her, and sharks don’t exist in lakes.
The girls find out they’re going to do the polar bear plunge and jump in the lake.
Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine, says that she comes from Baghdad and that she’s a warm weather person, and therefore won’t do the plunge because she hates the cold. When she was in a desert, she said she hated deserts because she was from Bahgdad, and she also has fake breasts and came on a show where you kiss boys and said she couldn’t kiss boys and it turns out Selma is just the worst. She is the fucking worst.
After they all jump in and get out happily, Tierra gets out of the water and begins to go full Munchausen, and this time it’s hypothermia.
It goes through many stages.
2. I’m dying and this is my last breath.
3. Wrapped in a hobo bag.
5. Hobo in a wheelchair.
6. Homeless pirate with a latte.
Sean comes to visit her and laughs about how this is the third time she’s had medical attention since being on the show, and she says, “after the ambulance came I thought ‘this guy better marry me!’”
Sean notes that she always finds ways to get one on one time with him and then stares off into the distance as though he’s finally putting it together. He tells her not to come to the rest of the date that evening.
Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we’re not supposed to talk about it), brings pictures of her family to the cocktail party and tells Sean that she’d like him to meet her parents, because who doesn’t say stuff like that on a second date that you’re sharing with 8 other women that he’s interested in.
Like clockwork, Tierra puts on her crazy pants and heads to the date anyway, and all of the girls want her to die in a fire.
Leslie, the girl Sean sits in dark rooms with, says that, “we have a Tierrorist on our hands” and that’s funny.
Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, says that Tierra is too young to get married to Sean, and Lindsay and Tierra are the exact same age.
Sean gives the rose to Leslie, and Tierra makes the “I’m gonna go stab and boil some bunnies” face.
Back at the hotel, Sean decides to send Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we’re not supposed to talk about it), home. He states that it was because she showed him her family photos, but we’re all pretty sure that it probably has to do with that whole “you’ve got one arm” thing.
Sarah cries a lot, it’s really depressing, and I’m not going to post pictures of it because she seems like a real human being in this moment and I’m a terrible person.
However, I breathe a sigh of relief, as now there are only girls with two arms on the show, and that means that it’s open season again.
No I’M the cutest. NO I’M the cutest.
Before Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal’d, goes on her one-on-one date with Sean, Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, wonders out loud why Dez is on a second one-on-one date when she hasn’t even had one. I wish someone would say to her, “because you think that goats are dogs.”
Dez and Sean repel down a mountain.
Dez says that it’s a lot like a relationship, because it starts scary and then it’s difficult and hard, and apparently Dez has only been in the most depressing relationships ever.
As though Dez knows that Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, is on her heels for being the cutest, she climbs a tree with Sean and then they both yell “HELLOOOO CANADAAA” at the top because Sean loves to yell the name of the place he is in and wait now DEZ is the cutest again.
They finish their date in a teepee, as though to say, “fuck your ice castle, Catherine.”
She tells him that when she was growing up she was so poor that her family used to live in tents often, and I bet Sean feels pretty awkward about the fact that he took her on a date in a tent.
He asks her what she wants and she says, “a family,” and he says, “You want a family? I WANT a family!” and then gives her the rose.
They kiss in the shadows, because it is the closest Sean can get to darkness.
Blindfold me, adopted adopted. Adopted.
Back at the rose ceremony, Selma decides that though she doesn’t have the courage to jump in a lake, she does have the courage to shame her family on national television and kisses Sean like she’s in middle school.
He doesn’t give her a rose, so that was probably worth it.
Because it’s been a while since adopted adopted, adopted, AshLee says that she wants to relinquish control to Sean and asks him to blindfold her. She then tells him to take her to another room because it’s a metaphor for walking a blind path together or some shit, and then she cries while he kisses her like Christian Grey.
I am beginning to hate AshLee, and realize that’s going to be difficult when she probably wins.
Sarah, because eventually he did need to talk about her arm.
Daniella, because she thinks that a goat is a dog and even Sean isn’t that dumb.
Selma, because she doesn’t like things that are hot, or cold, or anything.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Tierra, because she is fucking crazy.
Catherine, because SHE’S the cutest.
Dez, because wait no SHE’S the cutest again.
Lindsay, because she doesn’t know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.
AshLee, because adoption adoption adoption, adoption adoption. Adoption.
See you next week.