Rocket Shoes

Episode 7: I can't control my eyebrows or my face because mom told me I sparkle.

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Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 3 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 6.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Sarah, because eventually he did need to talk about her arm.

Daniella, because she thought that a goat was a dog and even Sean isn't that dumb.

And Selma, because she didn't like things that were hot, or cold, or anything.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef and Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd. In one he found out that the girl once saw a tree fall on someone when she was 12 (and it makes her sad now) and in the other he found out that he had taken a girl on a date in a tent who had, in fact, grown up in a tent. Other than that, Tierra almost died from a lack of attention and Sean made a girl with one arm cry.

This week, we've been promised that at least two people are going to say "I love you" to someone they just met on television, someone's going to be blindsided/shattered by the fact that Sean likes the other people that she lives with on the "I like everyone you live with" show, and Tierra and AshLee are going to fight about Tierra's face.

--

General Recap

We open on a shot of Sean flying in a seaplane with the six girls he has chosen to think about marrying on national television. He says he feels more optimistic than ever that his wife is here, which he says every week, because that's the whole point of the show.

1

AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), tells us that she wants to look into Sean's eyes, and go to the beach, and see the sun, and wear a swimsuit, and see him wear a swimsuit, and if you close your eyes it sounds like someone just asked a four year old what they'd like to do today.

3

Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, flashes crazy face because why not, it's been too long.

2

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date, and it looks like Tierra's going full batshit earlier than expected.

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The date card asks AshLee to get "carried away" with Sean, and she says that every time she's with Sean she gets carried away, both physically and emotionally. Get it? Because he picked her up in the last episode.

Oh, AshLee. You adopted jokester.

--

I got married when I was in high school. I love you. Adopted.

For their one-on-one, AshLee and Sean are getting their own private catamaran that is going to take them to their own private island.

ISLAND

AshLee has gold crap on her pants, and it bothers me because I'm just a heterosexual male, doin' heterosexual things like watching The Bachelor on a Monday night.

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Because we're five minutes into the episode, AshLee decides that it's time to talk about being adopted again and cries, because adopted adopted, adopted.

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I realize that AshLee organizes things professionally for a living, so I guess it's either conversations about adoption or conversations about the one time she totally organized the shit out of a closet.

She talks about how she has trust issues, and I think about how it's a good thing she came on the "I hope you don't have trust issues, because man are you gonna be fucked up after this" show.

They lay on a beach and AshLee talks about how Tierra is the worst. Sean spends most of the time trying to get AshLee to notice his sweet, sweet bi's.

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They casually lay in the sand making out, and I worry that the tide is getting to high and I'd like them to be careful.

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AshLee says that there are moments when they look at each other and their eyes connect, and that's how looking at another person works.

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Sean says that the date has been fun, sexy and romantic, and then runs out of adjectives because words are hard.

He says he hasn't felt this way about this girl in a long time. I think about how it would be funny if the whole show were actually an elaborate joke, and in a twist ending it turned out Sean was actually a guy with Alzheimer's.

At dinner, AshLee tells Sean that she got married when she was a teenager, because who saw the adopted girl having dependency issues coming. Sean says he's okay with it, but makes a face that says, "I am actually pretty not okay with it."

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To diffuse the fact that she may or may not have just scared the shit out of him, AshLee yells "HELLO ST. CROIX!" because Sean loves to yell the name of the place he is in. He yells it, too, because Sean is an animal that has to make a noise if he hears one.

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SEANYELL

She then yells "I LOVE YOU SEAN!" because that's the best way to make a guy think that you don't have dependency issues.

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She continues to tell him that she loves him over and over again, and it's starting to seem like the girl with one-arm had less baggage.

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At least she's not adopted, in which case you could see how someone telling you that they didn't want you on national television might scar you for life.

--

My heart is racing that there is a distant from you and I'm bad at grammar.

Sean says that he's excited for his one-on-one date with Tierra because he has a lot of questions for her, and a lot of questions about her, and that's how dates work so it sounds like he's got a real head start.

Tierra says, "my heart is racing that I'm with Sean," and that's not a complete sentence.

They go shopping for the day and buy things like matching necklaces and infinity bracelets because Tierra is a grown-up.

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They talk about the other girls in the house, and it becomes clear to Tierra that AshLee said mean things about her to Sean, and that makes Tierra boil-a-bunny upset.

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For the most part the date is boring, because when Tierra's not dying of something, it turns out she's just white trash.

Dramatic waves crash in, because dramatic things are happening.

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Tierra tells Sean that earlier in the day, "there was a little distant from you," and that's not proper grammar, or a saying, or anything.

Sean tells her that the drama with the girls has set them back a little. To signify this, we are shown more dramatic waves.

23

Tierra tells Sean that she's falling in love with him, and they walk down the beach like normal people.

We all wonder when she's going to get a disease or murder someone again, because once a girl has gotten fake hypothermia, everything else is a bit of a let down.

--

The girl who wore a wedding dress on the first date is the frontrunner right now. Let that sink in for a minute.

The group date is with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd and Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date. Sean sneaks into their hotel room early in the morning and takes pictures of them, because there's nothing creepy about that at all.

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Sean tells them that they have five minutes to get ready and then they have to go.

Catherine says that it's fine because she is low maintenance, and then goes to grab her electronic toothbrush that she's roughing it with.

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Their date consists of seeing the sunrise before anyone else in the world, road tripping across a tropical island and watching a sunset on the other side of it.

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One of the girls says that it is the perfect date, and it's the first time someone hasn't been hyperbolic on this show, ever.

Along the way, they go to a treehouse and Dez gives Sean a big boy push on a swing, because whooo's a big boy? Seeean's a big boy.

27=8

They head to the beach to wait for the sun to set and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT PELICAN DIVE BOMB.

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Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, runs up to Sean to jump into his arms, and we're all afraid that he might just take her out.

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Catherine tells Sean that her dad won't be there to meet him if he decides to keep her on for the hometown dates because he tried to commit suicide when she was a child. I wonder to myself if, maybe, just maybe, this was the story she should have gone with earlier instead of talking about watching a tree fall on a girl she didn't know at camp when she was 12. But, tomato/tomahto, suicidal father/tree falling on camp girl.

She looks sad.

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But then she see's a dolphin, and everything's ok.

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Lindsay's reverse-crazy psychology officially works, and Sean gives her the rose. To be clear: the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date is in the final four, and one of the only girls who hasn't said I love you.

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In a Usual Suspects-like moment, I completely respect her for Kaiser Soze'ing the shit out of everyone.

--

Let's pick fruit before you dump me.

Sean heads in to his one-on-one with Leslie, the girl he sits in dark rooms with, saying that he's not feeling it, which makes sense because she's the only one who wasn't:

- Adopted.

- Raised in a tent.

- Someone who showed up to a first date in a wedding dress.

- Someone who deemed a tree falling on a stranger when they were 12 a life turning point.

They are going to pick fruit in what Leslie deems to be their, "own secret garden", which she says is her dream come true, which is too specific of a dream to come true and I do not believe her.

35

She says that the more she sees Sean, the better she gets to know him, and I wonder if she's been blown away by every human interaction she's ever had her whole life.

She then says that their relationship has been a natural progression, and that that's the best way to go about a relationship.

If she told us that having milk in your cereal was good, because that was the best way to go about having cereal, I wouldn't even blink.

A cat walks by, and I miss Sean yelling "CROATIA!" in Croatia, and also realize I've watched way too much of this shit in the past year.

croatiacat

Even though she feels like she's falling in love with him (which is a natural progression of a relationship), she decides not to tell him, and they instead enjoy an out of focus kiss on a sunny trail, because there are no dark rooms in paradise.

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Before they head to commercial, we see a preview of Tierra making this face.

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And everything is right in the world again.

--

I can't control my face, or my eyebrows, or my "I'm crazy."

Back at the hotel, Tierra and AshLee begin to argue because Tierra believes that AshLee sabotaged her date with Sean, because she did.

AshLee tells her that if she wants to get nitty gritty, she'll get nitty gritty, and apparently nitty gritty means tons of puppet hands.

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After telling AshLee that all of the other girls talk shit about her behind her back, Tierra shows her that two can play at that game and says that she's done with the conversation with an abrupt close of HER puppet mouth.

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AshLee tells all of the other girls what Tierra just said, and Tierra walks in the room and says that she never said that, like a kid who audibly farted and then said that they did not.

At this point, Adopted AshLee psychologically owns Tierra, and we get to watch her go full batshit and unravel like a bitch version of the incredible hulk. Some highlights:

- AshLee tells her that she constantly walks into rooms and raises her eyebrows, to which Tierra responds, "That's my face, AshLee. I can't help that." Which she could, in fact, help.

48

- AshLee brings up the fact that Tierra said that her parents were worried about her coming on the show because she can't get along with other girls, to which Tierra responds, "I didn't say that, I said that my parents said that I have a sparkle, do not let those girls take your sparkle away" because that's how you show everyone how gwown up you are on the pwetty pwetty pwincess show.

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- AshLee tells her that the look on her face isn't nice, to which Tierra responds, "I CAN'T CONTROL MY EYEBROW. I CANNOT CONTROL MY EYEBROW. I CANNOT CONTROL MY FACE" and all of those statements are false, because it's your face, and some would argue that faces are the most controllable.

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Tierra leaves the room crying, and even this Iguana can't believe what's going on.

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Sean comes in to find Tierra, and she cries and says that AshLee sabotaged their connection.

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In this moment it's as though Sean catches a glimpse of the boiling bunny rabbit in his future, and it's with sadness that Tierra is sent home.

Screen-Shot-2013-02-12-at-9.49.56-PM

She rides off into the sunset and says that she told herself coming onto the show that no one would take her sparkle away.

As she goes, I feel as though she's taken mine with her.

--

Tierra's gone, who cares.

At the rose ceremony, Sean lets the girls know that he sent Tierra home because he's not looking for someone who brings the drama. In this moment, I realize Sean's the guy who would say that he's looking for a roommate who "doesn't bring the party home" in a craigslist ad.

Leslie gets sent home, and oh who cares, I checked out the minute the crazy left the party in the van.

ELIMINATED:

Tierra, because Sean couldn't take her sparkle.

Leslie, because there were no more dark rooms to kiss in.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption I LOVE YOU adoption. Adoption.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

Catherine, because SHE'S the cutest.

Dez, because wait no SHE'S the cutest again.

See you next week, everyone.

 

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39 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 7)”

  • RBJello

    February 13, 2013 at 3:12 am

    My favorite sentence: “I think about how it would be funny if the whole show were actually an elaborate joke, and in a twist ending it turned out Sean was actually a guy with Alzheimer’s.” That would be very Joe Millionaire of the show. Thank you again for being the highlight of my week.

  • Hayley

    February 13, 2013 at 4:04 am

    Well another hilarious recap! I used to read Ash Spiveys and she linked to yours as she wasn’t doing it this season and my has it been a great find! I can’t wait to read them each week and yes Tierra, yes you can control your eyebrow!!
    Don’t let anyone take your sparkle Rocket shoes!!!!

  • Keri

    February 13, 2013 at 6:03 am

    You are one funny guy!! Love your hilarious recaps! Just found you thanks to Ashley Spivey.

  • Susanne

    February 13, 2013 at 8:16 am

    since I found your blog, my favorite part about watching the bachelor is reading your reviews afterward.

    • c

      February 13, 2013 at 1:05 pm

      i’m with you!

    • jen

      February 14, 2013 at 2:28 pm

      agreed!

  • Sam

    February 13, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Hilarious recap of a hilarious episode. sean is an animal that has to make noise if he hears one…puppet hands…i feel a distant from you….this was a classic gold status bach episode.

    the best part, however, was when right after AshLee screamed III LOOOVE SEAAAAAN! with that toddler smile on her face, they cut to Sean saying “AshLee is……special.”

  • Corianne

    February 13, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Best. Reviews. Ever.

    Seriously, the highlight of my TV week. You are so spot on!

    • Tiffany

      February 20, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      So frickin funny! (And thank you Corianne for introducing me to this!)

  • LindsB

    February 13, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Dude. The iguana. For reals.

    • Keri

      February 13, 2013 at 1:16 pm

      Haha! I know! So freaking funny!

  • Seanspecs

    February 13, 2013 at 11:17 am

    (paraphrasing) ” I can’t believe I’ve been watching this shit this past year”. I hear you homey. I’m afraid if I stop watching I will lose my sparkle.

  • daisy

    February 13, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I am not even watching; I’m JUST reading your recaps. Thank you for all that you do, as always.

  • Jessica

    February 13, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    “She looks sad, but then she sees a dolphin and everything’s okay”. I love this because that is my life. Simple pleasures.
    I’m also glad that someone else was as impressed by the pelican dive bomb as I was.

  • Sharron

    February 13, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    I am with Daisy, I do not even watch the show. I think it would be a disappointment without your commentary to run alongside it.

    Seriously funny! Thanks

  • Stephanie

    February 13, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Your reviews make The Bachelor so much better. I am still laughing about the boiling bunny rabbit.

  • Vanessa

    February 13, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    OMG, so freaking funny, I have tears running down my face. The Iguana! Thank you so much for bringing me so much joy with your humor.

  • Kristen

    February 13, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Lol. The second Tierra said she couldn’t control her eyebrow, I thought, man, I can’t wait to read how he tears into that sh*t on Rocket Shoes tomorrow.

  • Kristen

    February 13, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    ZOMG this just in from credible news source People.com. Tierrable the Sparkler is engaged. She can finally fill in her heart-finger-tat. #yay #shineontierra

  • Pat

    February 13, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    OMG! You are by far the funniest bachelor blog on the internet and I read a lot of them! Love Love Love the “I realize that AshLee organizes things professionally for a living, so I guess it’s either conversations about adoption or conversations about the one time she totally organized the shit out of a closet.” and the iguana thing…LOL!
    I now have your page on my favorites and am so excited to read your take on this ridiculous show. Thanks for the laughs!
    Pat in Boise

  • Julie @ Peanut Butter Fingers

    February 14, 2013 at 7:45 am

    one of my friends forwarded me a link to your blog and your bachelor recaps are hysterical! thank you for making me laugh!

  • Vikki

    February 14, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Love love love it again this week!! am still laughing my butt off… I am surprised that you didnt mention Seans sister getting left on the beach for what feels like hours!!! :-) And you’re totally right about Lindsay… who saw THAT coming?!

  • erin

    February 14, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    So good Drew. So good. The hand puppets got me.

  • Kate

    February 15, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Ok. So now I look forward to your posts as much as I look forward to the show. Sad but true. You just can’t make this s*** up. You nailed it! Especially the part about Catherine and the tree falling so now I want to get married and have a family thing… ? What did her father’s suicide attempt make her want to have???I especially loved this episode because I came from St. Croix and enjoyed watching the drama unfold… keep it coming bro!

  • Kate

    February 15, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Oh.. btw did you notice my gravatar? That was taken at the same dock that AshLee and Sean hung out at. Right where he and his sister had their heart to heart about Crazypants.

  • Julia's Math

    February 15, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I too was offended by the golden silkscreen shorts.
    As usual, loved it. Laughed my ass off!

  • Ash

    February 22, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Where is the review of episode 8? It’s difficult to process this much ridiculous drama without your even-keeled, hilarious recap. I’m in a BETTING POOL, for god’s sake!

    • Lorilei

      February 22, 2013 at 2:20 pm

      I’m obsessively checking every day for the recap of Episode 8. Bach is not the same without Rocket Shoes!

      • Matt

        February 25, 2013 at 8:59 am

        I’m a guy reading bachelor reviews by a guy and I need episode 8 too. I’d even be down to read a review of Sean’s tell all. Where are you Drew??

        I guess the show ended for Drew once Tierra got bounced…

  • Jackie

    February 22, 2013 at 10:37 am

    I’m with Ash! I need my weekly fix of episode 8!

  • Allison

    February 22, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Drew, are you ok?? Your next blog is usually up by now! What will we do without your blogs? I’m gonna cry…

    • Allison

      February 22, 2013 at 1:56 pm

      …and I do an ugly cry, much unlike Tierra…. oh, wait…..

      • andi

        February 22, 2013 at 11:13 pm

        I’m with them too…mainly are you ok but obsessively checking for episode 8′s recap! Hope you are okay and I guess it may just be that you have a life, hope that’s it.

  • Lizzie

    February 24, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    DUde, where’s the post for episode 8? I’ve been waiting like all weeeeeek!

  • toointothis

    February 25, 2013 at 2:10 am

    I cannot even tell you how happy you have made me. I just discovered your recaps and have spent about 8 hours over the last two days reading through Sean’s season and then Emily’s. When not reading your recaps, something would call to mind AshLEE’s hand puppets or the boiling bunny pictures and I would have to concentrate to control the involuntary giggles. You are hysterical. Please keep this up – I will be stalking your blog now as I am thoroughly addicted!!

  • Michelle

    February 25, 2013 at 7:43 am

    WHERE IS WEEK 8!!!

  • Lindsay

    February 25, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    Where’s episode 8 review?!?! I MISS YOU!!! Your reviews are hilarious!

  • Tammy

    March 4, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    I have never laughed so friggin hard! You nail it every time. I’m sure you must be the most entertaining friend in the group always! Very, very witty……keep up the great writing.

  • oliver

    April 27, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    “She looks sad, but then she sees a dolphin and everything’s okay”

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