Rocket Shoes

Last week, I did not review Episode 8. I woke up on Tuesday to someone whom I love very much having the day Tierra only dreams of having: a real medical problem that didn't come from being batshit crazy.

Because of this, there just wasn't a lot of funny haha in me and I needed to take the time to take care of her, because she's the best and I didn't meet her on national television, nor do I give her roses after every time that I see her to signify to her that I still like her and am not going to eliminate her from consideration in my life.

In other words: life got in the way of me being a snarky asshole on the Internet.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who wrote or commented that actually seemed to miss me writing about this ridiculous show. That's not just some self-deprecating bullshit: it's crazy that something that sort of started out as a huge joke has turned into something I really love to do. You have no idea how cool it is to know that you're making people…strangers laugh. Just know that I read every last thing you guys write me and I hope we can keep doing this for however many seasons these people humiliate themselves on national television.  You're all just the goddamn best.

I'll do a full recap about tonight's episode on Wednesday. In the meantime, below is the "i'm putting in a 1% effort just so we don't miss a full week" version of the usual ones just to catch us all up. See you in a few days.

Episode 8: My white trash brother hates you and asked you to "holler at him." Want to get married?


Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 2 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 4.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Tierra, because Sean couldn't take her sparkle.

And Leslie, because there were no more dark rooms to kiss in.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Ashlee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it) and Tierra. In one he found out that the girl who was adopted also got married when she was in high school (which was like a red flag hatching and waving its own red flag) and in the other he found out that a girl couldn't make proper statements grammar complete sentence making. Other than that, Tierra told everyone she couldn't control her face and that she had a sparkle that her parents didn't want her to lose on national television.

It's time for hometowns, where Sean goes to meet everyone's family and asks four fathers for their daughter's hand in marriage, because that's how real love works and is in no way sleazy. I will go over general takeaways from each briefly, but that's about it.

This week, we've been promised that AshLee is in love are you listening she's in love she'll tell you again she's in love, Dez's brother was a poor choice for a dinner party guest because he uses the term "holler" unironically, and that Sean goes through an emotional roller coaster.

As opposed to an unemotional one.


I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love? I'm in love! I'm in love. Wet blanket. Adopted.

The first hometown date was with AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it).

We opened on a shot of a Texas Flag on a street named Texas, followed by a sign that says "Welcome to Houston" because Houston is in Texas and they wanted to make sure that we all knew that we were in Texas, no, seriously, Texas.



The rest of her portion of the episode was made up of various quotes that verified that AshLee is going to become incredibly unstable if/when Sean does not choose her to win the round robin television marriage tournament. Unstable quote highlights include:

- "Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was, I had no clue!" (Which we were aware of, because she married a guy when she was 17. So.)

- "I've stepped out of my comfort zone because he said to trust him." (And everyone knows that it's a good idea to trust someone who is meeting the parents of the three other girls he's dating immediately following your date.)

- "I need him to be the one." (I'm out of red flags.)

Other than that, AshLee cries when she talks about swimming in Canada, because swimming is hard and sad and she's adopted.


They blur a picture of a Chevy logo on a car, which is like blurring a McDonald's sign or calling it Smichshmonald's to throw us off.


And that is not AshLee's adopted father's natural hair color.


Mostly, I'm just upset that she didn't organize any closets while she was home.


You're willing to do stuff? I'M willing to do stuff!

The second hometown date was with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef.

They meet at a fish market and throw fish, because she's from Seattle and that's what everyone in Seattle does with their free time.


Catherine says that Sean is always "willing to do stuff" and that's what she really likes about him, and I feel like Catherine's standards could be a bit more specific, and/or higher.

Her family has a sweet crane lamp, and I think about how if I were Sean? I'd steal that.


Catherine's grandma makes some weird faces.


Her sisters tell Sean that it's probably not going to work out because they are the worst sisters ever, and Catherine's mom doesn't give Sean her blessing for Catherine's hand in marriage because she seems to agree with the people watching the TV that maybe, just maybe, Sean is seeing other people. And mothers.


My Dad is a drill sergeant, let's pretend I'm a drill sergeant because I'm probably a pretty huge freak. 

The third hometown date was with Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date.

She says she has never been so happy in her whole entire life, and that concerns me, because dating someone who is dating up to 25 other people shouldn't be something that creates said amount of happy.

Her town has a green light system that tells you that you can go straight, or right, or left, which is every possible direction and wildly redundant. I do not understand why they did not employ the green light system that the rest of the country/world has, but in a strange way it also explains a lot about Lindsay.


Sean is worried about meeting her father because he's in the army, so Lindsay pretends to be a drill sergeant to prep him and says a bunch of weird shit like "kiss me harder" because I'm pretty sure she's super Christian and therefore probably overly sexual because she isn't allowed to be because God said, "nnnnnO. nnnnO."


Sean asks her father for his blessing after saying he isn't sure that he loves his daughter, so logically he says sure.

She'll probably win, this episode is the worst and I'm bored.


This is my brother, white trash Matt Saracen. He hates you. 

The fourth and final hometown date is with Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd.

She has him over for dinner and pranks Sean by inviting a guy over who pretends to be her ex-boyfriend, because guys love stuff like that.


After that, Dez invites her family over for dinner, which includes a white trash version of Matt Saracen.



The brother asks Sean if he minds if he "hollers at him real quick" and Sean says "Yeah, buddy," and I'm surprised no one called each other chief or bro.

Dez's brother tells Sean that he's a playboy and that he's full of shit, and that's a wildly accurate statement and hey, good for you, white trash Matt Saracen.

They go back inside and Matt Saracen cries, because Friday Night Lights ended and that made us all want to cry, too.


Sean leaves and doesn't like Dez anymore, because her brother is crazy and/or tells the truth and that's no fair.


My advice is to make the right decision, which is not, in fact, advice. 

At the rose ceremony, Sean is confused so he stares off into the mountains because that's what Sean does when he is confused.


Sean doesn't know who to eliminate, so Chris the host tells Sean that his advice is to make the right decision, which is not, in fact, advice.

Sean eliminates Dez, and if I had any sparkle, it's certainly gone now.


Dez, because her brother was not a good choice, like milk.


AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption I LOVE YOU adoption. Adoption.


Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

See you guys on Wednesday, and sorry for the delay.



53 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 8)”

  • Elaine

    February 25, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Yay! You’re back! Hope your (real life) loved one is okay.

  • jess

    February 25, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    “Dez, because her brother was not a good choice, like milk.” Hilarious! Laughed out loud at work. I’ll be back on Wednesday! :)

  • Karen

    February 25, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    I love reading your posts. It’s what people are really thinking and hilarious! I hope your loved one feels better soon!

  • Karen

    February 25, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    I love reading your blog! It is what people are thinking and so funny too! I hope your loved one is felling better!

  • Alima

    February 25, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Welcome back. I missed having your jokes to repeat to anyone who would listen last week. Smichshmonald’s.

  • Amanda

    February 25, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    So stoked to see your post – I didn’t squeal exactly, mainly because I’m not 6…or a farm animal – but I definitely made some sort of happy-noise. I hope this means your girlfriend is much, much better and that you’re both recovering from the week.

    Jen Lancaster recommended your blog on FB and after reading all of your Bachelor posts from this season in one sitting – I’ve been sharing your URL like mad. I get that you’re hearing it a lot – how truly enjoyable and funny you/your writing are/is.. I’m choosing to chime in with the others because if it were me, I’d want to know. And if it were me, I’d appreciate every comment.

    My name is Amanda and your Tumblr is my new favorite thing to read. Thank you for writing, for posting. It makes me laugh and makes my day better.

  • Jenny G.

    February 25, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Yeah! You’re back. Hope your girlfriend is doing much better.

    Thanks for the laughs!

    My favorites from this week:

    And everyone knows that it’s a good idea to trust someone who is meeting the parents of the three other girls he’s dating immediately following your date.

    At the rose ceremony, Sean is confused so he stares off into the mountains because that’s what Sean does when he is confused.

  • Jeff (two f's)

    February 25, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    “white trash Matt Saracen”

    Wow. Did you come up with that? Listen, you are immensely tented, but that puts you in genius category. It’s like you completed something my mind knew, but couldn’t grasp. Yes, I’ve finally found perfection… In a blog about a wedding television show where the contestants are idiots and rarely get wed.

  • Courtney

    February 25, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    “Which was like a red flag hatching and waving its own red flag,” made me laugh out loud. I don’t watch the Bachelor but I honestly think I could easily follow along based on your posts. Great stuff!

  • Karyn

    February 25, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    I hope your person feels better:) I love your posts, they are hilarious! If it ever ends…you could always go to seasons past!

    • Cassandra

      February 28, 2013 at 10:17 am

      Yes! I’ve been thinking this but am comment-shy. Could you do seasons past please?

  • tracy

    February 25, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    it’s funny, every time you say something is “the worst”, like Selma or this episode, you are so right! hope this week goes better for you, your gf, and Sean, so that we can all can enjoy life again!

  • Amanda

    February 25, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    I am so glad your blog is back! I look forward to reading it every week. My mom and I watch so that we can enjoy your blog! Thanks for sharing. Sometimes you write exactly what I say out loud to my TV and my husband laughs at me and doesn’t quite understand this strange addiction to The Bachelor, so I am glad you are not afraid to watch and comment for us to all enjoy.

  • Kim

    February 25, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Welcome back. You were sorely missed. I’m glad your ladyfriend is on the mend (or at least, I assume she is? I hope she is? oh my). These posts make me literally LOL, to the point where my husband and/or coworkers ask me what the hell is so funny. Then I send them the URL and the magic continues across the internet.

    So thank you and I’m glad you’re back.

  • Margot

    February 25, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    I have to tell you that I literally laugh out loud every time I read your episode summaries. I am rather cynical and not easily amused, especially by what I read, but your comments and reviews are hysterical. Thanks for writing them and I hope your friend is alright. Have a good week!

  • Tif

    February 25, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    I kept checking everyday to see if you had posted… Wow, no, not a crazy stalker chick! I will agree with everyone else… Hope your loved one is better, crazy to think a bunch of strangers care huh? Glad you’re back!!
    Ps yes! Matt Saracen! Finally figured it out!

  • mrs_demo

    February 25, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    So glad you’re back! I’m sorry you had a crap week and I hope everything is ok. Your blog makes me keel over laughing every week. Love it!!

  • Myriah

    February 25, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    Welcome back to the internet Drew! Turns out, you have some pretty fantastic readers. I promise to stay healthy and not Yoko the blog again. xo.

  • Glittaknitta

    February 25, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    I only recently found your site when Jen Lancaster linked to it from her facebook page. I have NOT watched the Bachelor this season because while I always think it could be fun to watch, I always get all the girls confused and the whole thing is wrong in so many ways, so I finally resolved not to waste my time this season.

    Then I found your blog, and had to go back and watch every single episode from this season while reading your recaps and laughing my ass off.

    So I found myself insanely checking your block 2 – 3 (okay, maybe 4) times a day waiting for the episode 8 recap. Glad things turned out okay for you and everything is all right and I’m SO excited to read this now. I love coming upon blogs that can make me laugh and look forward to a long future of reading Rocketshoes.

  • Claire

    February 26, 2013 at 5:49 am

    A white trash Matt Saracen?? That’s it, you are my favorite blogger ever.

  • Rebekah

    February 26, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Hey! I hope your girl is ok! And, yes, this episode was the worst. And Sean is the worst for eliminating Dez.

  • Heather K.

    February 26, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Yeah, I don’t watch the Bachelor, but I read this. Keepin’ it real. It’s all I ask as a reality tv poser. All I ever do is rehash what you say…

    Because you say it so well.

  • Marie

    February 26, 2013 at 7:53 am

    I would steal that crane lamp too.

    Hope the lady is feeling better!

  • Kate

    February 26, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I so missed your blog! I hope all is well and appreciate the update. So…. funny! Anticipating Wednesday’s commentary. I know… it’s so sad that I’m so invested in this but I just love it!

  • Nuki

    February 26, 2013 at 9:25 am

    When I was a little girl, one of my family members told really bad jokes. This had a profound impact in me, and in that moment I knew that all I wanted in life was to have a bookstore.

    (dramatic music)

    Before I started reading your blog, I thought I would never be able to laugh again.

    (happy music starts) Reading your blog has been life-changing, and I can honestly say that I am rolling on the floor, laughing my ass out with your writing. And I cannot help but think that I am the luckiest girl in the world that you write this blog just for me to read and laugh.

  • Lindsay

    February 26, 2013 at 9:25 am

    So glad you’re back! We’ve checked your blog every day, glad everything is okay. You are an incredible friend. Don’t ever stop writing!

  • charlie

    February 26, 2013 at 10:17 am

    we missed you! even at 1% you’re still hilarious :)

  • Heather

    February 26, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Funny, very, very funny! Thanks for the laughs!

  • Ali

    February 26, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Woke up this morning. Grabbed my phone. Checked your blog on a whim to see if maybe, just maybe, you were back. Reading pause ensued…Aaand then commenced my first laughs of the day. Matt Saracen was the cherry on top. Thanks! Hope all is well and welcome back!

  • Liz

    February 26, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    YAYAYAYAY you’re back! We missed you! All my girlfriends read your blog and we discuss and re-quote you… our email convos have been lacking… lol. Thanks for coming back! And hope whoever you were helping is ok. :)

  • Paula

    February 26, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    glad the lady bird is okay!

    1) Lindsay did NOT know how Sean should address her father and it was beautiful.
    2) AshLee talking about rolling around sexy time in front of her parents.

  • Nara Weyman

    February 26, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Hi Drew,

    hope your girlfriend is doing better…so glad you’re back writing. Your 1% is better than most people’s 100%.

  • Michele

    February 26, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    I started reading your blog 3 weeks ago after someone recomended it. I wasn’t even watching The Bachelor. I’m now watching the show, just so I can get the most out of reading your posts. Laughing is the only workout I do; thanks to you I’m getting a lot of exercise! So glad your loved one is well again, and not just because I depend on you for entertainment.

  • katherine

    February 26, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Rocket shoes-
    well, i can honestly say many of us have been holding our breath waiting for your update .. .i think i am addicted (shhh). i think i only watch the bachelor now so i will be “in the know” when i read your updates. no, really.

    i am so truly sorry you have had a bad week and i hope things are back on track. sending you both a squeeze. she is lucky to have you, but you probably know you are even luckier to have her!

    so that said, keep up the good work. you are wildly talented not only with your words, but your humor is … well, ahhmazing!!!

    we sure do miss you when you are gone.
    thanks again for the laughs!

  • Karolina

    February 26, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Welcome back! Really hope your loved one is ok.
    Can’t wait to read more. Because it kind of makes my life.

  • Sasha

    February 26, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Love your blog! I watch the Bachlor and then look forward to reading your commentary. My boyfriend prefers your blog to the Bachlor, which I do make him watch with me! LOL! Thanks for the laughs! ….I hope your loved one is doing well!….She sure has a funny guy! (0:

  • Corianne

    February 26, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Welcome back!!

  • Chris

    February 26, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    I’m amused by the small details you see and at the same time want to thank you for pointing them out to share with those of us who missed them! The crane lamp and then the still shot of grandma’s face! I never noticed the green arrow light pointing in every direction, but holy crap they must have a lot of traffic accidents in that town… Some of the girls in our gathering group felt bad when Dez’s brother called Sean out with his wildly accurate statements! I loved it and appreciated it a lot, though if I were single, I don’t think I would ever take a guy home to meet some of my siblings. Those sisters were rotten! Hope everything is good with your lady friend. When I read my husband of 27 years (he claims to not be interested in the show, but we know it’s not all about the food and booze on Monday nights when I host!) he is convinced she’s imbedded in some of your remarks! Either way, keep them coming! :)

  • Keri

    February 26, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    :D Welcome back! Hope all is well with your real loved one! Thanks for the quick laughs… looking forward to Wednesday!

  • jen

    February 26, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Woot! thanks for continuing.

  • SMSinTX

    February 26, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    You don’t have a big nose. I think most people have an inaccurate perception of their own nose size. Hence, all the weird post-surgery tiny noses.

  • Melanie L

    February 26, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Welcome back, sorry to hear about your loved one. Hope everything turns out ok. I enjoy your bachelor recaps.

  • Abby

    February 26, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    A red flag hatching and waving its own red flag?! Haaaaaahahahaha!! Great blog.

  • Shreya

    February 26, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    My roommate and I were refreshing this page constantly throughout the weekend hoping for an update. But after reading your disclaimer I lost some of my sparkle too. And now I can’t control my eyebrow. Anyways, I hope your loved one is doing well and I can’t wait to obnoxiously laugh out loud in my chemistry lecture on Wednesday.

  • Amber

    February 26, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    Hope your loved one (that you don’t have to affirm w/ a rose every time you see her) is feeling well! So glad you are back! Your blogs are the highlight of my week. Not sure if that means I have a pretty lame life, or, as I like to think – that your writing is truly awesome and makes me LITERALLY laugh out loud (not to steal the sentiment of so many, but hey, it’s the truth). I heard about your blog from a friend and after reading one of your reviews started to watch The Bachelor from the first episode this season so I could fully grasp all of the pure awesomeness in your blog. I have now passed you on to many, many friends and all are very happy they found you! Have a great day! Can’t wait to read next week!

  • Sid

    February 26, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Hey Drew. I’m from Cape Town, South Africa. I’ve never seen a single episode of The Bachelor. I’m not even sure if it airs here … Anyway, I absolutely love your recaps. Funniest thing ever. EVER.

    Sorry to hear that the girl you love had medical issues. Hope she’s doing much better.

  • Jessica

    February 27, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Sorry to hear about the real life troubles :( But you do make our lives brighter with your snarkiness! Just started reading a few episodes ago and you DEFINITELY make this random stranger laugh! Amazing blog! I’d love your thoughts on Bachelor Pad :)

  • Amanda

    March 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

    White trash Matt Saracen? Best. Friday Night Lights. Reference. Ever! Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

  • Amanda

    March 4, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    Yaay, you’re back. So funny. Thanks for the recap.

  • teresa

    March 5, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    hope all is well at home…thanks for going back in time and posting the update.

  • Emma

    March 5, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Drew, these make me laugh out loud every single time I read them. They have been a good addition to my otherwise monotonous boring day. Hope things are going well!

  • Audrey

    March 18, 2013 at 7:52 am

    So. Funny. I snorted. Twice.

  • Claire

    April 17, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Are you okay? Your readers are thinking of you!

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