Rocket Shoes

Episode 9: I hope this cave doesn't abandon me because people have before, so who knows. 

12

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 1 more woman, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 3.

The girl who was declared "not the prettiest princess" was:

Dez, because her brother was not a good choice, like milk.

Sean had hometown dates with each of the remaining girls, in which he asked each of their parents if he could have their daughter's hand in marriage, because on television that's how marriage works.

On AshLee's (the girl who was adopted and we are supposed to talk about it), he found out she's not going to take it well when she doesn't get picked to win the televised round robin marriage tournament because adoption adoption, crying, adoption.

On Catherine's (the vegan who likes the beef), he probably should have stolen a lamp because that was the best thing he had going.

On Lindsay's (the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date), he found out that Lindsay is probably more into role playing than the wedding dress led on.

And on Dez's (the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd), he found out Matt Saracen is a real person and that he does not like the television show The Bachelor.

Other than that, we mostly just found out that Missouri doesn't know how green lights work.

This week we're down to the final three women, which means they will fly somewhere normal people cannot afford to vacation so that one person can find out on national television that more than one person is more appealing to get married to than they are.

--

General Recap

We open on a shot of Sean standing on the edge of a boat in Thailand as incredibly racist "this is Asian-ish" music plays, because he's in an Asian-ish place.

1

I worry about how Sean sustained an injury to his knee, though I can only imagine it was from all of the sweet reps he was doing on the muscles machines.

2

Sean walks through the forest in a shirt that has sleeves, but then realizes that Sean doesn't wear sleeves, so he changes before he walks through the hotel.

3

4

All of that sleeveless walking makes Sean tired, so he takes a nap to think about love and how hard it is.

5

Mostly I'm just happy that he finally bought a pair of fucking sunglasses.

6

--

I feel like Thailand is all around us in Thailand.

Sean and Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, take the first date and go to a Thai market, where they look into buying things like colored chicks. It seems like I'm being wildly racist in typing that. I am not.

7

Lindsay says that they've been on luxurious dates like helicopter rides and other amazing things, but that she's excited to go on a normal date like going to a market because that's what normal people do. Sadly, Lindsay leaves out the part where normal people also pay for things like the entire vacation and everything they buy at the market in real life and ABC does not.

Sean makes Lindsay eat bugs, because Lindsay doesn't want to and I wouldn't be surprised if Sean then kicked her in the shins and ran off of the playground because that was his way of showing her he liked her.

8

Sean says that when he's with Lindsay that he feels like he's with his high school sweetheart and that that's what he's looking for in a marriage, and see? Shin kick/playground/you're the best.

9

They kiss and Sean says "Mm! Know what I mean?" and Lindsay says, "Trust me, I know what you mean," and that's how Christians tell each other that they want to have sex.

10

They walk to a beautiful beach and stumble upon a giant group of monkeys at sunset. The monkeys turn and look at them, as though saying, "you have GOT to be fucking kidding me."

11

They feed the monkeys grapes, and I notice that Sean is wearing underpants under his swimsuit, which makes me angry because that is redundant, as swimsuits are already underpants.

12

Sean says that he's asking himself, "Could this girl be my wife?" and I hope so, Sean, as that is the entire point of the television show.

For dinner, Sean takes Lindsay to It's A Small World, but Thailand.

13

Sean could use an astringent.

14

Sean asks if she'd be willing to move to Dallas, to which she responds that she has everything open, and even Sean sort of looks like he's thinking about saying, "that's what she said."

15

Dancers come out as music plays, and Lindsay says that all of the sudden, Thailand is all around them, and who knows what's been around them before that sudden.

16

Lindsay opens the letter that explains to them that they can stay together in the fantasy suite and has an awful lot of trouble reading it, and all of the sudden it dawns on me why she just can't seem to shake that "substitute" in front of the word "teacher" in her job title.

17

Lindsay says "I love you" to Sean, and then Sean says "I love hearing you say that," and that's sort of like telling someone "you are the best" and hearing them say "I know, right?"

18

We see the lights of the room still on, though we're all pretty sure that Lindsay's dignity is taken off swiftly inside.

19

--

I hope this cave doesn't abandon me because people have before, so who knows. 

Sean talks about how AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), has said a lot of times that she loves him, followed by her saying that she is on an island with the love of her life within 45 seconds of the beginning of her segment.

I finally realize that she's basically just Stacey from Wayne's World.

Stacey

She says that she's just this school girl in love, and I think about how funny it'd be if she was basically Drew Barrymore from the film 50 First Dates and just wakes up every day thinking she's still in high school and honestly believes that Sean is the guy she married when she was 17.

She then says some iteration of the word "love" five times in under 10 seconds, and I begin to wonder what it's like when she tries a food she likes or hears a song that she enjoys.

20

Sean tells her that they are going to go swimming in a cave, and she brings up the fact that her parents abandoned her as a child, and that has nothing to do with swimming in a cave because caves cannot adopt you, nor can they abandon you.

21

As they enter the cave, she says she's more vulnerable than she's been in her entire life, and that's not true because adoption.

She says that the cave is scary, but that that's what love is like. That when you're in love, it's like you're going down this dark alleyway, and if she was describing love to a child they would start crying maniacally.

22

She says that in this situation, you have to let go, otherwise you don't fall in love, and I worry that AshLee might be a scosh hyperbolic.

AshLee says that if Sean proposed to her today there is no doubt in her mind that she would say yes, and I'm really hoping that when he does not pick her, they do a split screen and show a parent telling a child that Santa Claus isn't real because the reaction might be identical.

23

ABC advertises the show Wife Swap during the show where people are trying to marry someone  in a round robin marriage tournament, and that's funny.

24

AshLee talks about how the overnight date is the one thing she's been worried about on the show, which is strange, because I feel as though she's barely come short of blaming inanimate objects about her fear of abandonment.

She talks about marriage and why she is still single and says, "you know, why settle? I'm glad I waited!" which is an odd thing for someone to say who got married at the age of 17 because that is the opposite of waiting, and/or not settling.

25

She says that she doesn't take getting engaged lightly and the same exact joke as the previous sentence because it's still funny and getting engaged at the age of 17 is, in fact, taking getting engaged lightly.

He invites her to the fantasy suite, and though hesitant, she allows him to adopt her for the night. She tells him as they sit there her exact ring size and what she'd like her ring to look like, and Sean must know in this exact moment that he's made an adopted grave mistake.

26

--

I'd marry you. Also, I mayyyy have an eating disorder. 

For the third time in one episode, Sean stands on the end of a boat just like he saw in the hit film Titanic, and finally someone bites and Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, does the "I'm the king of the world" joke and I think to myself how happy I am that I don't date people who would make that joke.

27

Catherine says that this is the most open she's been with anyone for 3 1/2 years, and that's a very specific amount of time and I wonder if someone else that she didn't know had a tree fall on them around then.

28

They kiss in the water, and I wish someone would wipe the camera.

29

They get out of the water and he just slowly eats her face.

30

She talks about how going into the fantasy suite is tough for her, because she's more traditional when it comes to relationships, which has been made pretty clear by coming on national television to find a relationship. She says that she would have to put a "different" side of herself out there in the suite, because "different" is better than saying "if we go into a hotel room, I'm going to have tons of sex," on national television.

She tells Sean with a straight face that she hopes he understands that she doesn't only like him because he's hunky and beefy, and I feel that the Catherine who used to say that she loved the beef is betraying herself.

31

She says that she's been made fun of all her life, that people would say "oh you're chubby, you eat too much," and this seems like the wrong time to casually bring up eating disorders.

We watch two attractive people talk about how much they like each other, and then we presume that they have tons of attractive people sex.

--

Adopted adopted, adopted, adopted? Adopted WAIT WHAT THE FUCK.

Sean watches videos each of the girls made telling him how much they love him, and adopted adopted, adopted cries in hers because jesus, she is the absolute fucking worst.

32

Sean eliminates AshLee, and maybe I was wrong about who was the bunny killer all along.

33

bunny

ELIMINATED:

AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption DIE BUNNY adoption. Adoption.

FRONTRUNNER:

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 68: Songs that you should consider adopting.

7

STREAM IT at the links below:

DISC 1

DISC 2

DOWNLOAD ALL OF THE MP3′s at the links below:

DISC 1

DISC 2

See you guys for the finale.

 

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28 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 9)”

  • Allison

    February 27, 2013 at 2:11 am

    Glad you’re back Drew! And hope your special someone is feeling better!

  • Matt Q

    February 27, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Two reviews in a week. Regardless of the circumstance of why we got two (sorry to hear about that) it’s great to have multiple mornings in one week be distracted by Rocket-Shoes. Thanks Drew!

  • Rebekah

    February 27, 2013 at 9:32 am

    You forgot one thing that I was so hoping you’d make fun of in here! When Lindsay and Sean are on the Small World Thailand part of their date, Lindsay says, “There’s all these flowers made out of petals!” And I just about died.

  • Delia

    February 27, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Thanks for another great post, Drew! Hope all is well on the homefront. LOVE the part about Sean kicking Lindsay in the shins, because isn’t that his approach with his Survivor season of The Bachelor? And frontrunner “Lindsay, because she doesn’t know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.”– it gets me every time.

    Rebekah, I almost died when she said that! I realized she meant the big artistic flowers formed on the ground were made of individual petals… but quite frankly, she could have really meant it the way it sounded.

    Drew, being from the nerd capital of the world, did you appreciate the multiple references Sean made of being a nerd? No, Sean, you are not a nerd.

  • Kristen

    February 27, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    i couldn’t stop laughing when AshLee did the stare of death. glad you’re back to make fun of it :-)

  • Alex

    February 27, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    That knee injury looks like a staph infection!

  • Vanessa

    February 27, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    Your the only reason I watch the show now, to have a good laugh. Thanks so much!!

  • Elise

    February 27, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    So, I just read one of the old Bachelorette recaps because I didn’t know you had reviewed those and I missed all the guys. Ha! But I read the comment about Sean never having sunglasses. And now he has them! And he looks so happy about it. Glad you caught that.
    This blog makes watching the Bachelor worth it. Or at least that’s my excuse for watching. Thank you Drew with one w.

  • Laura

    February 27, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    I love your recaps of the episodes-they are so fantastic. I can’t wait for the next season of the Bachelorette. Which makes me wonder-will you still do recaps if AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), becomes the next bachelorette? I think that would be torture because she is just the fucking worst haha :)

  • Amanda

    February 28, 2013 at 8:49 am

    YAY you’re back!! My coworker and I were waiting for your newest recaps! We just successfully wasted 30 min at work reading/laughing/dying. It’s scary how much you read my mind. Thank you thank you for the entertainment!

  • angie

    February 28, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    OMG! I am so glad I found your site! Actually, someone posted your link on another Bachelor recap/blog. I just about laugh out loud at every sentence. Good job!

  • Stef

    February 28, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    You are the best. THE BEST. Look forward with great anticipation each week to your recap; guaranteed to make me laugh so hard I cry…love it! You sir, are a genius! Best wishes to your girlfriend, I hope she continues to be on the mend:)

  • Carson

    February 28, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    I was relieved to see Ashlee go. She really needs to find self-worth. I think this is the wake-up call she needs. Re: Sean, he needs to stay away from TV for a while and just date, old school. He won’t marry either of these women.

    I love your blog, love even more that it’s a dude reviewing these shows. You’re adorable and great.

  • Amelia

    February 28, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    I absolutely love your comparison to AshLee and Stacey from Wayne’s World, it was spot on.

  • liselange

    March 6, 2013 at 12:46 am

    you are just the coolest reviewer EVER.

  • Jennifer

    March 6, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    You are the best! This blog makes me laugh :D

  • Cindy

    March 7, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    I’m looking for your blog on the Women’s Tell All?? I hope it’s coming. I need to hear what you have to say about adopted. adopted. adopted.

  • Allison

    March 9, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    Just read all of your Bachelor posts. I laughed really hard. I loved reading them.
    I guess you didn’t do any Women Tell All posts because it turns out that women telling all is super boring. Ditto Sean Tells All.
    Thank you for reducing the magnitude of my Bachelor shame spiral by being a smart and funny person who, well, watches The Bachelor.

  • Jaime

    March 11, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    I freaking love these recaps every week. I do.

  • Karyn

    March 14, 2013 at 7:02 am

    I am looking forward to your next Bachelor re cap but remember that there were some health issues in your family. I hope everyone is ok!

  • Fred

    March 17, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Laugh out loud funny. You are a funny guy.

  • toointothis

    March 17, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    I hate to be one of those people who feels like they have a claim on your time… I like to think of myself more as the obsessed type who checks your website 2 or 3 times a day hoping for a recap to magically appear so that I can enjoy 8 minutes of snarky-recap-giggles. Hope all is well with your life – You are a very funny man, and even if you never come back, I’ll keep rereading all of your older posts pretty much on a daily basis.

    • Mel L

      March 18, 2013 at 11:56 am

      Yeah, I’m checking a few times a day for the finale recap as well. One of the best Bachelor blogs, worth waiting for!

  • Melissa

    March 19, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Love this blog! When will the last two episodes be blogged!? There was so much good stuff to make fun of!

  • Deepti

    March 20, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    I hope everything is okay! Looking forward to your finale post.

  • Jon

    March 26, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Where can we find more of your Bachelor articles?

  • Karyn

    April 12, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Have you seen the craziness that is Ready For Love? This is tailor made for your mockery. Pretty please?

  • Frankie Beans

    May 8, 2013 at 9:31 am

    C’mon man, finish what you started…

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