Episode 9: I’m scared of swimming with dolphins. Does that seem like someone you’d be interested in spending the rest of your life with?
Where We Left Off
We’re down to 3 dude-bros. The guy who lost Cotillion last week was:
Gerard Butler, the guy whose family was Polish on a scale of one to Polish.
Emily travelled to the guys hometowns and judged the shit out of their families and decided whether or not they were going to inherit enough money when their parents died for her to get a decent settlement when she Katie Holmes Cruise’s them. After his “closer” move was an intense Polish dance party, Emily decided that maybe Gerard Butler wasn’t second marriage/third engagement step-dad material.
This week, the final three dude-bro’s are off to Curaçao with Emily, an incredibly hard-to-spell island where she can finally decide who she met on television that she’d like to marry. Previews indicate that Arie needs to get a better oil-controlling facial product, dolphins gon’ swim, and that Curaçao is basically one amazing Instagram shot that no one is going to capitalize on.
The episode opened with a shot of what appears to be stock footage of an American Airlines plane landing somewhere that may or may not be Curaçao, because the airline probably spent the last of it’s government bailout money simply acquiring the right to sponsor the show and couldn’t actually afford to fly a plane there this year.
Emily wants to walk near the water, but does not want to touch the water, while she describes the reasons she likes the remaining dude-bro’s.
She likes Sean because he’s a, “football playin’ muscular guy who’s also, like, really sensitive and thinks,” which for her is, “like, the best of both worlds!” To show how interesting he is, we see a shot of him yelling the name of the city he’s in when he’s in a city and then we’re reminded that he can throw a log, which are both huge qualities you look for in a husband.
She likes Jef with one F because he’s his own person. To signify this, we see him sliding down a slide backwards, whoaAaAhhh!
She then says that he marches to his own drum. Not the beat of his own drum. Just his own drum.
They show a shot of them on a beach in a previous episode, and I’m flabbergasted that I didn’t make fun of this blanket.
She likes Arie because he’s so sweet. We see a shot of Arie’s crotch during this sentiment, which seems like odd editing.
She says, “I could say a million things about Arie,” but then she doesn’t, because we all know that Emily doesn’t know a million things and/or words.
Emily draws her name in the sand with a plus sign and a question mark, because she is an adult and that’s what adults do when they don’t know which boy to pick when they’re marrying one on national television.
The ocean washes away the sand, leaving only her name, which is a complex metaphor that will haunt us all forever.
The Sean Date: I didn’t know how long I’d be here, so I bought every deep v in every store, ever.
Sean meets Emily on a beach wearing the deepest of the deep v’s and colored khakis, because colored khakis are so hot right now. He’s also wearing Tom’s to say to Jef with one F, “you’re not the only one saving Africa, broham.”
They take a helicopter to their own remote island for the day to have some boring conversation. On their way over, they talk to each other over their helicopter headphones and it s_nds lke thssss so I’m glad they televised it.
They get to the island, and Sean says he took her there because he wanted it just to be him and her, that finally they’re all alone. Because you’re definitely all alone with a gigantic camera crew on a small, remote island.
Sean. Buy a pair of fucking sunglasses.
Sean spends a lot of time talking about his ex girlfriend, which is the number one thing you want to do on a deserted island with a woman who wants to sleep with you.
Emily plays with her hair, because it’s been two minutes since she has.
He has trouble pulling the trigger on saying I love you, so instead he asks her if she wants to go snorkeling, which seems like a pretty good compromise.
At this point, I wonder if they had to pee on the island and where they would do that, since it seems like they’ve been there all day. I presume they probably just went in the ocean. Probably now.
For the evening date, Sean changes into a new extreme low cut v.
Sean wrote Emily’s daughter Ricki a letter, because it’s a nice, passive aggressive way to say I love you to Emily in a gigantic half-assed way. He has the handwriting of a teenage girl.
It has a lot of words in it that would probably overwhelm a six year old girl, because six year old girls probably can’t grasp everlasting television love yet.
He finally tells her that he loves her with his big boy words. They make out, and Sean has no idea what to do with his wine glass.
They receive a letter from producers that says they can stay the night together in the “fantasy suite.” If you asked a woman in real life to come stay in a “fantasy suite” with you, her name would be Mercedes or Candy and she would most likely be a stripper.
They decide to at least go in the hot tub in the fantasy suite, even though her name is just Emily.
The only thing that comes out of their time there is the realization that Sean definitely didn’t apply suntan lotion, because he’s irresponsible but we already knew that because he doesn’t bring sunglasses anywhere.
She then sends him home for the evening, because she has morals and doesn’t want her daughter to think any less of her. Good thing she didn’t go on a television show to find a father for her.
The Jef with one F Date: Let’s bridle these passions as two very small people should.
For their date, Jef with one F and Emily go on a boat with a ton of wind, which essentially makes it impossible to hear anything they say. I’m pretty sure the people running The Bachelorette are first year film school students at Full Sail.
One F’s hair looks glorious blowing in the wind.
He says he called his parents, who are skeptical of this whole thing but now they’re totally into it. I’m assuming his parents are Joseph Smith and/or Brigham Young.
Jef with one F explains that, at the start of things, his relationship with Emily was like an unfinished painting, but that now it was turning into a masterpiece.
He explains this in intense hand gestures, in case we didn’t understand his complex metaphor.
He’s not done with the metaphors. He tells us that even though the sun is setting in Curaçao, his relationship with Emily is, just in fact, rising and starting.
My man crush on One F is a becoming a slow, setting sun. If he was here, I would explain it for him in complex hand gestures.
For the second week in a row, they show a commercial for a bottled water that isn’t Jef with one F’s, and I’m starting to wonder if ABC hates Africa.
They have a romantic dinner and Jef with one F basically says all the right things, because that’s what a guy who spells his name with only one F does.
When she asks him if he’d like to go to the fantasy suite, he says they shouldn’t rush things, because he plans on spending the rest of their lives in their own little fantasy suite, and Jesus, did he honestly just say that?
One F then says that right now is the time for them to bridle these passions, because people often just say shit like, “bridle these passions” in passing conversation, because this is a Jane Austen novel.
They go to the fantasy suite anyway, and make out as two very tiny people on a gigantic chair.
The Arie Date: Who the fuck is afraid of dolphins?
Arie kicks off the date in classic wet blanket mode, letting us know that he’s loved Emily since their first date followed by eating her face.
They go swimming with dolphins, and Emily says that because he can swim with dolphins he’d be a great dad. What?
Emily let’s us know that she’s afraid of swimming with dolphins. Who’s afraid of swimming with dolphins? That’s like being afraid of rainbows.
Before we go to dinner, a dolphin says, “SUP MOTHERFUCKERS??”
We come back from commercial break to an amazing Instagram shot that I’m angry no one took, because it would have one billion likes and that’s all that matters in life.
At dinner, Arie winks at Emily, and we all vomit and/or wonder if people still do shit like that.
Arie has a maniacal look on his face, and I wish he’d buy some astringent or maybe just think about excusing himself to wipe the sweat off of his face.
She asks about what he’s like back home in Arizona, and Arie says he doesn’t ever like to be alone. Who saw that one coming.
Unlike the other guys, she doesn’t even offer the fantasy suite card to Arie. When he watches this episode if he wins, it will absolutely be their first fight.
Arie: “So. Wait. You gave the other two dudes the chance to sleep with you?”
Emily: “Yeah babe, but I love YOU. Boop!”
(Four hours later, when Arie wakes Emily up in bed.)
Arie: “Babe. are you up?”
Emily: “Arie, what time is it…”
Arie: “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE THE OTHER GUYS THE FANTASY SUITE CARD?”
We go to commercial break and see that Kalon is going to be in the show Bachelor Pad, and I long for the good old days where we weren’t bored to shit by every episode and people were terrible.
The Rose Ceremony: At least I dumped you in Curaçao?
When deciding who to eliminate this week, Emily says it’s tough because she wants to just end up with one person, and I’m not sure anyone has explained the show and/or how dating works to her yet.
Each guy got a chance to make a video telling her how much they love her.
Sean yells, “EMILYYY!” in his, because he hasn’t done that yet this episode.
Jef with one F says that he wants to see 1,000 sunsets with her, because he’s running out of Mr. Charmingpants things to say.
Arie probably says some wet blanket shit, but I don’t really remember.
Arie is wearing the exact same thing as the host of the show, which must be sort of embarrassing, sort of like being on this television show, and/or watching it every week and writing about it.
She picks Arie and Jef with one F, and Sean makes everyone feel genuinely sorry for him because he was probably the only one it would have worked out with, for whatever that’s worth.
I go to bed realizing I’ve written over 23,000 words about a show called The Bachelorette.
Sean, the guy who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.
Arie, because Jef with one F is the next bachelor and why wouldn’t she pick the guy who she’s doomed with?
Next week is the show where they all talk shit in a studio, so I’m not writing that one up. I’ll be back for the finale.
See you then.