Episode 11: Let’s spell my name incorrectly for the rest of our lives.
Where We Left Off
We’re down to the final 2 dude-bros. The guy who lost Cotillion last week was:
Sean, the guy who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.
Emily and the guys travelled to Curaçao, an incredibly hard-to-spell island where she went on a date with each dude-bro to decide which one of them wasn’t worthy of being one of the final two guys in a round robin television marriage tournament. When all was said and done, Emily didn’t pick Sean and cried about it a lot, because eliminating people on The Bachelorette is hard and you wouldn’t understand what it’s like to travel the world for free to select an attractive person to sleep with.
This week, we’re finally going to find out who’s second husband/third engagement step-dad material: Arie The Wet Blanket or Jef with one F. What better way to decide this than for the two guys to separately meet Emily’s parents so that they can decide which man from the TV is the best choice for their daughter’s future. Previews indicate that Emily cries all the time, and in between crying she cries about crying.
The episode opened with an emasculating shot of two guys watching the finale live with 4,208 women in a studio audience. Apparently, one of the guys won The Bachelorette a few years ago, so he’s got an excuse. I think to myself, “Man, what a douchebag,” and then hit the play button again on my DVR’d copy of The Bachelorette, the show I programmed a season pass for.
Emily is having a tough time deciding between the final two dude-bros in Curaçao. To signify just how tough of a time, she looks down.
And then she looks up.
Emily’s daughter Ricki runs around wearing a fanny pack, and the questions about whether or not Ricki’s a tad special are only getting more and more neon.
I again realize I’m probably going to hell for writing shit like that, but still feel like the joke was worth it.
It’s time for the dude-bros to meet Emily’s family, because she wants to make sure that if she gets engaged this time around, it’s for real.
Good thing she came on a television show to find love for the second time and learned her lesson from the first time she came on a television show to find love and it didn’t work out.
I’m probably your future son-in-law, let’s bro-shake on it, brosef.
Emily waits for Jef with one F to show up to meet her parents and plays with her hair, because it’s been a while since she’s done that.
Jef with one F arrives to meet Emily’s family wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt. If Drew with one W showed up to meet my girlfriend’s family in this outfit, she would punch me in the face.
We learn that Emily has a brother named Ernie who can only speak out of the side of his mouth.
Emily’s mother has had enough plastic surgery done for all the women in the land. If her and Arie’s mom got together, it’d be a staring contest on accident, if only because they are both physically unable to blink.
One F tells Emily’s mom that it’s stupid to say, but Emily completes everything about him. He shows us in complex hand gestures again, just in case we didn’t get it.
Emily’s mom says that Jef with one F is everything that Emily has been looking for…again, and in no way seems to find that statement to be a red flag. Maybe she got plastic surgery on “thinking.”
The family sits down for lunch, and Ernie eats because no one told him that you aren’t allowed to eat on The Bachelorette, ever. The fiance clearly knew, but it was too late.
Jef with one F seems to convince Ernie that his intentions are pure for Emily, and he’s so confident that he give hims a bro-shake.
But the bro-shaking doesn’t stop there. After One F goes two for two and impresses Poppa Pretty Pretty Princess as well, he goes in for round two. Because if One F is going to be Emily’s second husband? We’re all going to be bro’s, bro.
Ernie says out of the side of his mouth, and only the side of his mouth, that he didn’t think Emily would find love “this way,” which is a polite way of saying “I didn’t think my sister would find a nice guy on a fucking television show.”
That makes two of us, Ernie.
Before taking off for the day, One F says he’s an old fashioned kinda guy about love. You know, because he’s on a television show where 25 guys take a swipe at trying to marry a widow who is reeling from a previous failed television engagement. If that isn’t old fashioned, I don’t know what is.
Hi, I’m Arie the wet blanket. I’m just the worst.
Arie arrives for his date wearing a shirt with tons of buttons, and I wonder how long he stood in front of the mirror and thought, “One button or two?”
Emily lets him know that her father and brother have been fishing all day. Arie then tells her entire hick family that he’s “not that into fishing,” which sort of seems like walking into a Catholic church and telling everyone you’re just not that into Jesus.
To symbolize how much he loves Emily, he gives the family a box full of the inconsequential roses he’s been awarded by their daughter on a television show. You know, like going to your high school girlfriend’s house the day after prom and giving her family your boutonnière.
He meets everyone and they all like-ish him, and as he leaves he kisses Emily’s mother like you kissed a girl for the first time in the sixth grade.
As he says goodbye, he winks at Emily as though to say, ”hey girl, you take your time making your decision on national television about whether or not you love me, no pressure.”
Emily goes back in the room and asks her family which guy she should choose. They say either one is great, kind of like when you ask your girlfriend where they want to go to dinner and they say, “wherever, I don’t really care.” She gets angry that her family isn’t going to make the decision for her, because Emily is a pretty pretty princess and the pretty pretty princess doesn’t want to decide who she has to marry STOMPS FEET RUNS OUT OF ROOM.
They blur the license plate of the Chevy Tahoe they leave the hotel in, just in case any of us are going to fly to Curaçao and steal that Tahoe retroactively.
My One F is the only F you’ll ever need again for the rest of your life.
Before his final date with Emily, Jef with one F tells us that he feels complete with Emily, but doesn’t use hand gestures this time.
They sit on a blanket and talk about how they both won’t know if this is truly the television love of their life until One F meets Little Ricki. Emily decides that it’s time, and they leave the blanket on the beach behind, even though Jef leaves no African behind.
Before they meet Ricki, they stare at her through the hotel door blinds.
Somewhere, our old friend Sleeping with the Enemy is watching this episode, smiling and saying condescending things to anyone within a five foot radius.
He meets Ricki and plays with her in the pool, and of course, Jef with One F is the most charming man in the world.
At least one million women will have sex with their husband or boyfriend tonight imagining Jef with One F, after which they will imagine having an estranged daughter just so that they could run away with the two of them.
Later on in the evening, they have dinner and Emily plays with her hair an outrageous amount, but for once I can’t make fun of them because they’re both really into each other and it’s starting to actually sound and look like what it sounds and looks like when two people tell each other that they like each other.
She leaves, and One F says it’s the hardest goodbye he’s ever had to say. To signify this, we see him standing solemnly in the rain as lightning strikes.
Thanks for sticking around Curaçao! I find you so invaluable that I’m not even going to go on a date with you and that will probably cause psychological damage for the rest of your wet blanket life!
Before her date with Arie, Emily has already decided to pick Jef with one F. So, he’s got that going for him.
She lets us know that she’s going to tell Arie that as much as she loves him, she loves someone else a little bit more. So, he’s got that going for him, too.
Even so, Arie gets to go to a location to meet a woman who is going to help him make a love potion, even though he has zero idea he’s about to get dumped from a faux-relationship on national television, both of which are in no way embarrassing.
They show Arie telling us how he’s going to marry Emily over and over again, and I remember that the woman producing this show is one of Arie’s ex-girlfriends, so I’m sure this horrific, vindictive editing is in no way purposeful.
Emily shows up and dumps Arie in angelic lighting, doing that weird “touch my eyes with only two fingers” thing every girl does when they cry, and the wet blanket dries up dramatically fast.
Back in the studio, tons of sad, middle-aged women are sad and middle-aged, tragically grief stricken by a man’s departure from a reality television show.
Before we get married without having slept with each other or mutually saying I love you or thinking about the fact that this is probably a horrible idea, there are some decisions to be made that are obviously more important.
Emily patiently awaits her princess engagement to One F and hangs out with Ricki, who draws words in sand on the beach just like her mother, the only difference being that she’s six year old and that’s what six year olds do.
Then they both write in their pretty pretty princess journals.
Meanwhile, Jef looks over a selection of a few one billion trillion dollar wedding rings and selects his favorite two billion trillion dollar one. Apparently, the non-profit African water business is good.
Then he walks on the beach thinking in colored khakis, because they’re so hot right now.
Then, in a moment that blows my mind, the entire show culminates in Jef with one F meeting up with Emily in an alleyway in Curaçao. Again. He proposes in a fucking alleyway.
He proposes, and Emily says yes immediately after she just said that no matter what, she definitely wouldn’t say yes, because Emily doesn’t make snap judgments.
And with that, One F, Emily and Ricki walk off into the sunset to fulfill their happily ever after.
Hopefully in a hip, up-and-coming village in Africa that has artisan drip coffee.
Arie, the guy who did the thing her dead husband did who was also the wettest of the wet blankets.
THE COTILLION WINNER:
Jef with one F, the little misspelled hipster that could.
I would write about the “After the Rose” ceremony, but it wasn’t interesting enough and all you need to know is that Arie is still a huge wet blanket and flew to North Carolina after he lost to leave his journal on Emily’s doorstep. Unreal. Anyway.
I’d like to thank everyone for reading these recaps.
It started out as a random thing I wanted to do just to pass the time and turned into something I got way too emotionally invested in.
To be clear, I have no idea if I’m talking about Jef with one F or the recaps in that last sentence.
Maybe I’ll do this again when The Bachelor rolls around, but I’m still a little undecided because it takes a surprising amount of time to make fun of these people.
Honestly, though: the comments and emails you’ve sent along have been hilarious and fantastic. It’s been really fun losing my dignity with all of you, even though i’m not sure I had any to begin with.
Until next time, everyone.
Drew with one W, out.