Rocket Shoes

Episode 11: Let's spell my name incorrectly for the rest of our lives. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to the final 2 dude-bros. The guy who lost Cotillion last week was:

Sean, the guy who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.

Emily and the guys travelled to Curaçao, an incredibly hard-to-spell island where she went on a date with each dude-bro to decide which one of them wasn't worthy of being one of the final two guys in a round robin television marriage tournament. When all was said and done, Emily didn't pick Sean and cried about it a lot, because eliminating people on The Bachelorette is hard and you wouldn't understand what it's like to travel the world for free to select an attractive person to sleep with.

This week, we're finally going to find out who's second husband/third engagement step-dad material: Arie The Wet Blanket or Jef with one F. What better way to decide this than for the two guys to separately meet Emily's parents so that they can decide which man from the TV is the best choice for their daughter's future. Previews indicate that Emily cries all the time, and in between crying she cries about crying.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with an emasculating shot of two guys watching the finale live with 4,208 women in a studio audience. Apparently, one of the guys won The Bachelorette a few years ago, so he's got an excuse. I think to myself, "Man, what a douchebag," and then hit the play button again on my DVR'd copy of The Bachelorette, the show I programmed a season pass for.

Emily is having a tough time deciding between the final two dude-bros in Curaçao. To signify just how tough of a time, she looks down.

And then she looks up.

Emily's daughter Ricki runs around wearing a fanny pack, and the questions about whether or not Ricki's a tad special are only getting more and more neon.

I again realize I'm probably going to hell for writing shit like that, but still feel like the joke was worth it.

It's time for the dude-bros to meet Emily's family, because she wants to make sure that if she gets engaged this time around, it's for real.

Good thing she came on a television show to find love for the second time and learned her lesson from the first time she came on a television show to find love and it didn't work out.

--

I'm probably your future son-in-law, let's bro-shake on it, brosef.

Emily waits for Jef with one F to show up to meet her parents and plays with her hair, because it's been a while since she's done that.

Jef with one F arrives to meet Emily's family wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt. If Drew with one W showed up to meet my girlfriend's family in this outfit, she would punch me in the face.

We learn that Emily has a brother named Ernie who can only speak out of the side of his mouth.

Emily's mother has had enough plastic surgery done for all the women in the land. If her and Arie's mom got together, it'd be a staring contest on accident, if only because they are both physically unable to blink.

One F tells Emily's mom that it's stupid to say, but Emily completes everything about him. He shows us in complex hand gestures again, just in case we didn't get it.

Emily's mom says that Jef with one F is everything that Emily has been looking for...again, and in no way seems to find that statement to be a red flag. Maybe she got plastic surgery on "thinking."

The family sits down for lunch, and Ernie eats because no one told him that you aren't allowed to eat on The Bachelorette, ever. The fiance clearly knew, but it was too late.

Jef with one F seems to convince Ernie that his intentions are pure for Emily, and he's so confident that he give hims a bro-shake.

But the bro-shaking doesn't stop there. After One F goes two for two and impresses Poppa Pretty Pretty Princess as well, he goes in for round two. Because if One F is going to be Emily's second husband? We're all going to be bro's, bro.

Ernie says out of the side of his mouth, and only the side of his mouth, that he didn't think Emily would find love "this way," which is a polite way of saying "I didn't think my sister would find a nice guy on a fucking television show."

That makes two of us, Ernie.

Before taking off for the day, One F says he's an old fashioned kinda guy about love. You know, because he's on a television show where 25 guys take a swipe at trying to marry a widow who is reeling from a previous failed television engagement.  If that isn't old fashioned, I don't know what is.

---

Hi, I'm Arie the wet blanket. I'm just the worst. 

Arie arrives for his date wearing a shirt with tons of buttons, and I wonder how long he stood in front of the mirror and thought, "One button or two?"

Emily lets him know that her father and brother have been fishing all day. Arie then tells her entire hick family that he's "not that into fishing," which sort of seems like walking into a Catholic church and telling everyone you're just not that into Jesus.

To symbolize how much he loves Emily, he gives the family a box full of the inconsequential roses he's been awarded by their daughter on a television show. You know, like going to your high school girlfriend's house the day after prom and giving her family your boutonnière.

He meets everyone and they all like-ish him, and as he leaves he kisses Emily's mother like you kissed a girl for the first time in the sixth grade.

As he says goodbye, he winks at Emily as though to say, "hey girl, you take your time making your decision on national television about whether or not you love me, no pressure."

Emily goes back in the room and asks her family which guy she should choose. They say either one is great, kind of like when you ask your girlfriend where they want to go to dinner and they say, "wherever, I don't really care." She gets angry that her family isn't going to make the decision for her, because Emily is a pretty pretty princess and the pretty pretty princess doesn't want to decide who she has to marry STOMPS FEET RUNS OUT OF ROOM.

They blur the license plate of the Chevy Tahoe they leave the hotel in, just in case any of us are going to fly to Curaçao and steal that Tahoe retroactively.

--

My One F is the only F you'll ever need again for the rest of your life. 

Before his final date with Emily, Jef with one F tells us that he feels complete with Emily, but doesn't use hand gestures this time.

They sit on a blanket and talk about how they both won't know if this is truly the television love of their life until One F meets Little Ricki. Emily decides that it's time, and they leave the blanket on the beach behind, even though Jef leaves no African behind.

Before they meet Ricki, they stare at her through the hotel door blinds.

Somewhere, our old friend Sleeping with the Enemy is watching this episode, smiling and saying condescending things to anyone within a five foot radius.

He meets Ricki and plays with her in the pool, and of course, Jef with One F is the most charming man in the world.

At least one million women will have sex with their husband or boyfriend tonight imagining Jef with One F, after which they will imagine having an estranged daughter just so that they could run away with the two of them.

Later on in the evening, they have dinner and Emily plays with her hair an outrageous amount, but for once I can't make fun of them because they're both really into each other and it's starting to actually sound and look like what it sounds and looks like when two people tell each other that they like each other.

She leaves, and One F says it's the hardest goodbye he's ever had to say. To signify this, we see him standing solemnly in the rain as lightning strikes.

--

Thanks for sticking around Curaçao! I find you so invaluable that I'm not even going to go on a date with you and that will probably cause psychological damage for the rest of your wet blanket life!

Before her date with Arie, Emily has already decided to pick Jef with one F. So, he's got that going for him.

She lets us know that she's going to tell Arie that as much as she loves him, she loves someone else a little bit more. So, he's got that going for him, too.

Even so, Arie gets to go to a location to meet a woman who is going to help him make a love potion, even though he has zero idea he's about to get dumped from a faux-relationship on national television, both of which are in no way embarrassing.

They show Arie telling us how he's going to marry Emily over and over again, and I remember that the woman producing this show is one of Arie's ex-girlfriends, so I'm sure this horrific, vindictive editing is in no way purposeful.

Emily shows up and dumps Arie in angelic lighting, doing that weird "touch my eyes with only two fingers" thing every girl does when they cry, and the wet blanket dries up dramatically fast.

Back in the studio, tons of sad, middle-aged women are sad and middle-aged, tragically grief stricken by a man's departure from a reality television show.

--

Before we get married without having slept with each other or mutually saying I love you or thinking about the fact that this is probably a horrible idea, there are some decisions to be made that are obviously more important.

Emily patiently awaits her princess engagement to One F and hangs out with Ricki, who draws words in sand on the beach just like her mother, the only difference being that she's six year old and that's what six year olds do.

Then they both write in their pretty pretty princess journals.

Meanwhile, Jef looks over a selection of a few one billion trillion dollar wedding rings and selects his favorite two billion trillion dollar one. Apparently, the non-profit African water business is good.

Then he walks on the beach thinking in colored khakis, because they're so hot right now.

Then, in a moment that blows my mind, the entire show culminates in Jef with one F  meeting up with Emily in an alleyway in Curaçao. Again. He proposes in a fucking alleyway. 

He proposes, and Emily says yes immediately after she just said that no matter what, she definitely wouldn't say yes, because Emily doesn't  make snap judgments.

And with that, One F, Emily and Ricki walk off into the sunset to fulfill their happily ever after.

Hopefully in a hip, up-and-coming village in Africa that has artisan drip coffee.

ELIMINATED:

Arie, the guy who did the thing her dead husband did who was also the wettest of the wet blankets.

THE COTILLION WINNER:

Jef with one F, the little misspelled hipster that could.

I would write about the "After the Rose" ceremony, but it wasn't interesting enough and all you need to know is that Arie is still a huge wet blanket and flew to North Carolina after he lost to leave his journal on Emily's doorstep. Unreal. Anyway.

I'd like to thank everyone for reading these recaps.

It started out as a random thing I wanted to do just to pass the time and turned into something I got way too emotionally invested in.

To be clear, I have no idea if I'm talking about Jef with one F or the recaps in that last sentence.

Maybe I'll do this again when The Bachelor rolls around, but I'm still a little undecided because it takes a surprising amount of time to make fun of these people.

Honestly, though: the comments and emails you've sent along have been hilarious and fantastic. It's been really fun losing my dignity with all of you, even though i'm not sure I had any to begin with.

Until next time, everyone.

Drew with one W, out.

 

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34 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (The Finale)”

  • Barb Slaton

    July 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    Hey Dreww, oops, I mean Drew…

    These people managed to go on for WEEKS without discussing anything topical or significant — astounding.

    THANKS! You made me laugh weekly and feel a tiny bit less of a loser for watching this drivel in the first place.

    With Gratitude,
    Barb with TWO b’s

  • Justin

    July 23, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    Great post dude-bro.

    Just so you’re not out there alone, here’s a conversation that may or may not but definitely did take place between my girlfriend and I:

    Her: She seems really happy. I like her.
    Me: I like Jef a lot and believe we were meant to be best mates. We’ll go for a skate session together and wear suits. Possibly at the same time.
    Her: We should go on a double date with them.
    Me: I’ll ask my sister if we can borrow my 5 year old niece. The three of us will fly to North Carolina, track down Jef and Emily, and pretend to bump into them at a trendy lunch place. We’ll remind them of their own family unit, and they’ll ask us to join them. Before lunch is over we’re invited to Africa.
    Her: Aftershow?
    Me: Of course. But tell anyone and I’ll hide snakes in your car.

  • Kim

    July 23, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    ” I remember that the woman producing this show is one of Arie’s ex-girlfriends, so I’m sure this horrific, vindictive editing is in no way purposeful.”

    That is golden.

    I watched (most of) this last night, only so that I could compare reading your recap after having watched (most of) an episode with my usual “I don’t need to watch because Drew will tell me all I need to know.” I applaud you and your lost brain cells. That show is something else.

    Something glorious.

  • rearwindow

    July 23, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    I stopped watching this show a long time ago, but your recaps are AMAZING. Please don’t ever stop.

  • Jenny

    July 23, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    The saddest thing about The Bachelorette ending is that now I have to go back to reading strange news stories aloud to my husband when he makes dinner. Also that it exists.
    Thanks for keeping us entertained!

  • J*

    July 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    thank you…your blog is effing hilarious, and you should keep writing, and get some advertisements and make some $$ – cause you are great.

  • Jeff (with two "f's)

    July 23, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Why do you insist that Emily was ever married or that she is a widow? It. Is. Bizarre.

    She is a fame-banger who got knowked up and, after a horrible tragedy, cashed in.

    But, many thanks. I knew it was too much to ask for the Bachelor Pad. I’ll settle for you writing about some non-SF stuff though.

    If you think I’m demanding and whiny… I’m a 33 year old man with four daughters, all under the age of 8, that watches The Bachelorette and reads every word of your reviews. So, yeah.

  • Jeff (with two "f's)

    July 23, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    knowked. a guy with four daughters cannot type “knocked up.” Ralf Nader.

  • sooper

    July 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    So funny. I really enjoyed your recaps. I was cracking up especially at the mothers’ staring contest. Classic. Wish I was as witty as you!

  • Cecelia

    July 24, 2012 at 1:54 am

    Hilarious Drew.
    Cecelia with two c’s and two e’s, Menlo Park

  • Allegra Coleman

    July 24, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Drew with one W these recaps were the highlight of the season. We thought it and you typed it. The nicknames were priceless. I don’t know what I’ll do without these recaps, so please come back for The Bachelor. Thank you for the endless entertainment.

    “I again realize I’m probably going to hell for writing shit like that, but still feel like the joke was worth it.”

    Allegra with two l’s.

  • Lina

    July 24, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Drew, I just had to leave this comment to let you know that you’re way too funny! I have been reading your recaps throughout the whole season, but this is my first comment — just to let you know that I really hope you recap The Bachelor / Bachelor Pad. I never watch this stuff, but I accidentally stumbled onto your blog and decided to give The Bachelorette a go, since you made it sound so damn funny. ABC should give you an official blog on their website, or at the very least, an all expenses paid trip to Curaçao just for increasing viewership for this lame ass show.

  • Andi

    July 24, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Please do recaps of Bachelor Pad!!! Please please please!!! Does it help convince you that I also live in the Bay Area? Hahaha, probably not but as much as you want to hang out with One F, I want to hang out with you after reading your Bach recaps, and as creepy as that sounds I guess I would settle for Bach Pad recaps. :)
    You are truly hysterical.

  • cz

    July 24, 2012 at 9:35 am

    You are brilliant, and I am obsessed.

  • SunnySpots

    July 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

    A friend of mine (a guy) first told me about your blog. So, there are plenty of dude-bros out there reading & watching! I’m a girl, and I love hearing/reading a guy’s perspective of this trash. And by trash I mean a show I have watched just about every episode of for the past 8 years.

  • Morgan

    July 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Dear Drew,

    I happened across one of your Bachelorette posts awhile back… and then stumbled upon another one… and then read all of the others… and then proceeded to record the Bachelorette series on my DVR while simultaneously kicking myself. Just so I could follow your blog posts better. But it was definitely worth losing my dignity, to get the side-splitting laughs I got when reading your posts. Thanks so much for sharing your awesome sense of humor with us. Please don’t stop writing!!

    -Morgan

  • daisy

    July 24, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    You forgot to mention the part where some skank on Twitter RUINED the whole show for you.

    Also: thank you, Drew, for all that you do. But especially this.

  • Robin

    July 24, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Pretty, pretty please write about The Bachelor when it comes back on!

  • Cora

    July 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    More! More! You killed it. Very funny. Thank you!

  • tracy

    July 25, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Thanks so much for making watching this show so much more fun! You’re a great writer and have your own style, which I admire. I know that it must be really time consuming, but I hope you do some more writing about the Bachelor or even the next Bachelorette. Hopefully this blog will benefit you in the future (esp. financially!)

  • Sara Without an H

    July 25, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Wahhhh, this makes me sad. Mainly because this was my favorite way to waste my employers time by reading your recap every week. I made approximately $17.64 while reading it, yes I am a fast reader, which means yes I make decent money and I shouldn’t waste time reading useless information that in no way effects my life but hey, I live a little.

    Please start watching another show just so I can read your recaps every week. I’ll shed a tear every week until then. BY THE WAY, there was a pic of Jef and Emily out for his bday last night and he had cleavage…so much for being cool.

    http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/emily-maynard-jef-holm-pack-on-pda-at-his-birthday-bash-2012257

  • sarah

    July 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Please continue doing these for the rest of time as I don’t know how I’ll laugh or pass time without these to read. I vote you do Bachelor Pad next.

  • Kathleen

    July 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    So are you thinking of recapping the Bachelor Pad? It’s filled with slors and dude-bros! should be super fun, plus some of your favorite characters are there like creepy Gerard Bulter and sleeping with the enemy….I think.

  • Tiffany

    July 26, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Bet you wouldn’t be laughing if you knew that fanny pack was full of guns and she called herself the Joker. I realize it’s too soon as I’m writing this… but…. I….. can’t… stop!

  • michelle

    July 26, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    please do this for the bachelor, my friends and i look forward to reading it after each episode.

  • phoebedee

    July 27, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    You have to do the Bachelor Pad next. I’m having the time of my life making cracks at all the idiots making fools of themselves on that show and mourning the one intelligent girl who got voted off the show in the first episode. Inevitable, but…

    But I don’t have the wit and satire to roast these lonely heart money grubbers like you do. America (or the part of it that reads your blog) needs you. Please.

    Thanks for all the laughs and giggles!

  • L

    July 29, 2012 at 12:05 am

    One F looks like Rick Astley don’t you think??

  • Emily

    July 31, 2012 at 8:31 am

    I could never bring myself to watch this show, so thank you for suffering through to illuminate the hilarity so well!

  • Erica

    July 31, 2012 at 9:29 am

    My co-workers and I all love your blog! You have a wonderful sense of humor, and I will continue to follow you. Keep making fun of those shows, please!

  • vincent tamariz

    August 4, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    please please please do next season

    please.

    and that kid is SO special.

  • Nic

    August 20, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Where are your comments on the Bachelor Pad???

  • Ricky

    September 12, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    what a happy ending, wish real life story was like that. great stuff.

  • jen

    January 8, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    please review the new bachelor!! it needs it
    you are hilarious!

  • Carol

    January 9, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    LOL! TOO GOOD. I’m really looking forward to your reviews of this season’s Bachelor! The Bachelor seasons are always cattier and have tons more drama (woop woop!) BTW, girls do that “weird “touch my eyes with only two fingers” thing every girl does when they cry” because we don’t want to mess up our eye makeup. If we were to full-on rub our eyes, a trail of black mascara/eyeliner smearage would form. And that would not be attractive. This is pretty much the only way we can wipe our perfect makeup eyes. So very observant of you to pick up on that!

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