I love really horrible smutty television.
There. I said it.
My admitting this is sort of like a southerner waving a confederate flag saying, “This might come as a bit of a shocker, but I’m kinnnnda racist.”
Sure. I subscribe to US Weekly. I’ve written entire 2,000+ word diatribes about how feminine I am. I’m not really throwing you a curveball here (or DID I by adding in a sports metaphor? HEY-o!).
I don’t know, though. It’s like people have a problem with admitting these kinds of things these days. I’m usually one of them. Because the other side of trashy, smutty television me is the guy who goes to see films at places that allow you to buy a glass of wine with my “independent cinema”. The other side of me is the guy that enjoys listening to bands you haven’t heard of yet.
I mean. I’m that guy.
Sometimes, though, I just want to shut-off and watch some good old fashioned crap. Which is sort of just what you did when you were a kid.
Think about it. Kids sit in front of the television and watch either a dragon that tells them how to say the letter R or a street that’s infested with mythical creatures that sometimes live in trash cans and/or are giant talking birds.
That’s how I’d like my entertainment. I want it to be like Teletubbies where things are colorful and just run around and maybe talk, but for the most part I get what they’re doing because I understand simple gestures and read Highlights magazine when I was 8.
That’s exactly what reality television is: Teletubbies with breasts and simplistic, formulaic human emotions that can mostly be understood with the volume off.
It’s a guilty pleasure, and it’s always a guaranteed trainwreck.
And I love a good trainwreck. Hell, everyone does, man. Because trainwreck’s make you feel like a “not trainwreck”, and that’s something that we’re all searching for daily. We all just want something, ANYTHING that makes us feel like we’re doing it right and someone else is doing it wrong. The good news is, someone makes a living doing that for us.
They just might not really know it.
Since I’m just going with it and openly accepting my love of crap, I’ve decided to jump into the shallow end of the pool head first (see what I did there?).
I’m going to review this season of The Bachelorette on a weekly basis.
I have never watched an episode of a single season of the show, but it seems pretty simple: people are terrible and will do anything to get married and/or be on television and get famous. The guys on it are basically a laundry list of everyone you (re: I) have ever disliked because they are a douchebag 97.34% of the time, yet are still having sex with really attractive women. The show is what real life would be like if you could be eliminated by a hot girl at the end of the day for not being awesome. I feel like employers should probably just put hot women at work who judge men on a daily basis, because I feel like men would work a lot harder if they knew an attractive woman could dump him from his job at the end of the day. I digress.
Welcome to The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta.
(Want an in-depth analysis of the show? That’s impossible, because it’s a show called “The Bachelorette”. Instead, I’m going to just go through the 25 guys and the main event herself and discuss my opinions on them and their likelihood of getting a rose, which is what she gives them if she kinda/sorta wants to do them.)
Episode #1: 25 dudes try to get a girls attention shamelessly. So, you know. Every night at a bar.
How She Was Introduced On The Show: Riding a horse because that’s what people from the south do.
Chances of Winning: Not 100%, shockingly.
Emily was on The Bachelor a few years ago and was picked, but the guy who was said bachelor had anger management problems and wasn’t marriage material, which is in no way ironic when you are on a television show that requires only that you not be a total shitbag.
She’s attractive and oddly normal for a woman who has willingly chosen to find her husband AND marry him FOR THE SECOND TIME on national television. As a guy who has no shot with her whatsoever, and probably zero common interests (unless you count the fact that we both love to breath and eat ice cream, which I’m just assuming for the latter part), I’d still find her sort of dateable, which seems like why they picked her. She’s a fembot in a good way.
Her first husband died in a plane crash and she’s a single mother so if you say anything bad about her every woman on the Internet/ever will hate you.
The fact that she has a daughter is going to basically restrict anyone from having sex with her. Any guy tuning into the show hoping for a slutty girl is going to be totally bummed out by this season because she actually has standards and is a good person (if you aren’t picking up on it yet, i’m pretty much talking about myself this entire time).
Emily met 25 guys in a row, one by one, as they got out of a limo because that’s how real life works.
It’s pretty great, because they all walk up and have to pretend like they didn’t watch episodes from the season she was in, knowing every little thing about her and basically tipping their hand that they’ve stalked the shit out of her prior to this.
So, basically: modern dating.
Below is my general take on each of them.
(Sidenote: I grabbed these pictures from ABC’s site. Each bio had a category named “Number of Tattoos.” Like, that was a real category in their bio. That was what they deemed “possibly a deciding factor.”)
Occupation: Biology Teacher/Being Canadian
Chances of Winning: Nope.
Aaron has zero chance of winning. He is from Canada and he’s poor (because he’s a teacher), which just feels like a dog with three legs. His bio on ABC says that “sometimes he prepares too much for the future and doesn’t live enough for today when I can enjoy it most”, which is a crafty, wordsmith-y way of saying “I’m pretty not into committing and love to have sex before we have time to think about the ramifications emotionally.” He wore gigantic ray-ban wayfarer eye glass frames with what appeared to be no glass in them. Which, let’s face it, I find commendable. However, Emily is not from the Mission or Park Slope, so I’m not sure what he’s angling for here.
*Update: I researched the episode again (okay, okay, fast forwarded through on a DVR where yeah, it still lives in my home) and realized it says he’s from LA. It’s amazing, the information online vs. what these guys put on TV is absolutely astounding. They all seem to be sort of lying…WHO SAW THAT COMING?!?
Chances of Winning: Nah, but he’ll stick around because he’s not white.
Allejandro was that guy who had a mohawk and sort of tried to act more Hispanic than he was. I respect it: producers probably have to keep you if you’re “not white”, so he just went for it. I suspected on looks that he goes to clubs with one word names like “spill” with a lowercase “s”. After reading on his ABC bio that he “goes big”, I suspected correctly. When I found out he was from San Francisco, I was excited because I live in San Francisco too! and then I liked him. Then the goldfish knee-jerk reaction wore off and I was over him. He didn’t get much air time, so, meh.
Occupation: The Other Latin Guy On The Show/Grain Merchant
Chance of Winning: Incredibly doubtful.
To be clear: The show has Allesandro and Allejandro. They shall move forward as Allesanjandro.
He did the cliche “beso me mucho” thing where he said a really generic line in “not english” and we’re all supposed to be whhHoOoAhHh totally impressed. Fuck that. Try harder. He was nice enough though, and it’s pretty clear that she made the choice to keep the two latinos as opposed to the black guy. We’ll get to that later.
Occupation: The Thing Her Husband Who Died In A Plane Crash Did, Which Is In No Way Fucked Up Of The Producers To Do.
Chance of Winning: High, Because He Does The Thing Her Husband Who Died In A Plane Crash Did, Which Is In No Way Fucked Up Of The Producers To Do.
Arie was picked because he is a racecar driver and Emily’s ex-husband who died in a plane crash was also a racecar driver and oh my god have I voiced my opinion on how fucked up this is yet??!? Arie, while entirely uninteresting, will no doubt stick around because this is basically The Truman Show becoming a reality. He had a lot of shots walking around in slow motion on a race track, which means he does that in real life, too.
Occupation: Technology Salesman/Being Way Too Old For A Show Named “The Bachelorette”
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Brent was somewhere over 40 years old and had six children. HOLY SHIT, Brent, that’s a red flag. YOU HAVE SIX KIDS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON A TELEVISION SHOW NAMED THE BACHELORETTE? He cried when he was eliminated, because for some reason he was surprised that a busty blonde 26 year old wasn’t into adopting a Mormon entourage.
Occupation: Recruiter/The guy who almost died in what may or may not have been an accident we feel sorry for, but he was wayyyyy too vague about it so we’ll be shallow and assume he was doing something fratty and while we’re happy he’s not dead, we’re not wildly surprised.
Chance of Winning: So so. He had an endearing moment with a dog, so that has to count for something.
I have no read on Charlie. I want to feel bad, because he had some tragic accident. But he also seems like he’s gonna be the dude who pulls the mega-ultra-sketchy shit later where he’s kind of a d-bag and we should have seen that coming. Like, the guy who says that women should be in the kitchen in hocks on into his spit-tooooon. Also: i’m probably entirely wrong and he’s a nice person, but that’s way less fun to write about and we’re writing about a show where people try to marry people on TV. So.
Occupation: Corporate Sales/The Finest Beard Management, Ever.
Chance of Winning: With a beard like that, it’s hard to lose. At least in the first few episodes.
Chris made bobblehead doll replicas of himself and Emily and made them talk to each other as bobbleheads together. In any other situation, this would be considered the creepiest. shit. ever. But this is TV, so, I guess women just roll with it. Chris, just in general, has the look of a “reality television show guy”. I’m pretty sure his degree in college was “reality television show guy” and then he accidentally got a job in something that wasn’t a reality television show. He has all of the looks of a contender: good looking, seemingly not too dumb, referenced that he asked his parents for advice on love. He’s the chocolate chip cookie at the bakery: all else fails? You could probably buy some chocolate chip cookies and no one is gonna hate you when you get home with the bag. He appears to shave every 14.2 seconds but leaves a little stubble each time just in case he needs to be in a Gilette commercial where he strokes his face repeatedly and smiles in a mirror. At least he has a future.
Occupation: Not A Good Singer/Songwriter.
Chance of Winning: It was like, -4,989% before he even showed up. ELIMINATED.
My favorite thing about David is that he was like the guy you know has failed at about 13 other reality shows and this was going to be his bread and butter. “I write love songs, she wants to fall in love, THIS IS MY MOMENT.” The problem is, David is the worst singer/songwriter of all time. When talking about how he loves to write music, they showed a video of him hitting three keys on a keyboard while he did this:
“EmilllyyYyyY. EMILLYYYYYY. EmiLlLlLlL-heee-heee-y. EMILY.”
Right now, if we had a keyboard and walked out to any street where bums are prevalent, handed them a keyboard and told them to sing about anything….like, they could sing about a pigeon…they’d be better at it than David. I am only unhappy he didn’t move forward because I would have loved to hear a more polished version of ”EmilllyyYyyY. EMILLYYYYYY. EmiLlLlLlL-heee-heee-y. EMILY (The Remix).”
Occupation: Charity Director/Clearly Not That Great Of A Guy Because He’s Using His Child Mercilessly As Bait
Chance of Winning: Great, Because He’s Clearly Not That Great Of A Guy Because He’s Using His Child Mercilessly As Bait
Doug had a plan from the get go. I’m actually terrified, because I’m pretty sure Doug saw the season of The Bachelor that Emily was on and adopted a child for the possibilty of a future season she’d star in. Honestly, Doug mentioned his child back home at least 48 times and even brought out a letter written by the child TO EMILY. HOW IS THIS NOT CREEPY AS SHIT? Also, my greatest hope? There is no child. I’m praying to God that Doug is crazy as shit and has no children, that he’s writing these letters in broken English and poor handwriting to woo her. Try and tell me that discovery wouldn’t be the best thing to happen to TV since Clarissa Explains It All. Anyway, Doug probably goes to the top 3.
Occupation: He does sit-ups for a living.
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
I’m not even sure Jackson knows he was on the show yet. Either that, or he just tried to get eliminated so for his exit interview he could be like “check out these abs, guys.” Which he did. Jackson does not eat, he’s very attractive, and it’s unclear yet as to whether he can read a book. But, hey. If guys are allowed to like dumb girls, girls are allowed to like dumb guys. Clearly just on the show so he can get a spot in the back row of the next Insanity DVD.
Occupation: Fish Knower.
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Jean-Paul wore a bad suit and was a marine biologist. I don’t know. Did he ever have a fighting chance? He was a smart guy showing up to kegs n’ eggs. Seems like that wasn’t going to work from the beginning. Oddly, on his exit interview, he got really emotional and I didn’t see that coming. Arguably, he’s Kaiser Soze. But I guess we’ll never know.
Occupation: Entrepre-Oh SHUT the fuck up with that, Jef.
Chance of Winning: 99%
First of all, there are two f’s in Jeff, Jef. Strike 1. Jef rode up to the event on a skateboard grabbing the bumper of a limo. Christ. Strike 2. Then there’s the fact that he’s an entrepreneur. I just. I hate that term. It’s so vague. It’s such a cop out. Saying “I’m an entrepreneur” to everyone else is insinuating that you are, in fact, not ambitious, but I am. I want to be a fireman, Jef, but I don’t go around telling people that. To be fair, he owns the Tom’s Shoes of water, but I am patiently waiting for him to say “I also have a champagne company that, for every glass we drink, will give one glass of champagne to a small African child in need.” He will, no doubt, at some point reference his travels to some place with a well in Africa/Guatemala and he will definitely make it to the final 3. He’s “the real guy” that’s “so not like her, but that’s what she’s here for, to take a chance!” I will love to hate Jef for the entirety of this show because I’m an asshole.
Occupation: Field Energy Advisor, which sounds made up.
Chance of Winning: 1%
Joe did this obnoxious dance thing when he showed up. After a little research on ABC, he answered one of the questions they asked him with three exclamation marks. His occupation sounds like he read three words randomly on a resume and put them together to make a sentence. Joe, you lost before you got there.
Name: John/”The Wolf”
Occupation: Data Destruction Specialist. So, a paper shredder.
Chance of Winning: 50% on being named “The Wolf” alone.
Besides the fact that he told everyone his friends called him “The Wolf”, there was nothing memorable about The Wolf. I’m kinda bummed, really, because it’s a great nickname and it feels like it was wasted on the guy who no one really cares about. Maybe I’m wrong and he howls at the rose ceremony next episode. Who knows. For now, Wolf? I’m wildly disappointed in you. Do better. Name: Kalon
Occupation: King of the Douches
Chance of Winning: Winning? No. Staying on the show? Extremely high.
While everyone else showed up in a limo, Kalon flew in on a helicopter, which is kinda like showing up to the prom in a hummer. Per the code of reality television, he is “the guy that everyone hates on the show, even the viewers”. He is a “luxury brand consultant”, which means he probably sells Hugo Boss dress shirts at Bloomingdales and or is unemployed and has a trust fund, which is highly likely because his name is Kalon. In his interview, he said “he used to be a douche, but now he’s different and wants to show the world”, which means he’s just a bigger douche. Kalon will stick around because they can’t afford for him to leave: he’s that hateable. I can’t wait to see the manufactured fights they make with him.
Occupation: Financial Advisor
Chance of Winning: 50-75%
Even after re-watching, I have no real take on Kyle either way. I don’t dislike him, I don’t like him more than others, but I just know that he’s just kind of…there. I dunno. I could care less about Kyle, but he is in the money industry so he’s got that going for him.
Occupation: The Token Black Guy
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Oh, Lerone. You were picked by the producers to be the token, but you got out-latino’d by Allesanjandro. We were all rooting for you to stick around for that awkward moment in reality television when a white guy says something that’s a little too “not okay” for a white guy to say, considering there are at least 4 southern guys on the show. You tried, buddy. We commend you.
Occupation: Rehab Consultant,which is a polite way of saying “I’ve been to rehab.”
Chance of Winning: 25%
His hair is more beautiful than most women and he’s wearing an argyle cardigan in his picture. Honestly, all I remember about Michael was that he has nice hair. And Rehab Consultant sort of sounds like “Not Drinking Alcohol Anymore Expert”. Just sayin’.
Chance of Winning: 95%
This was the one guy that Emily was visibly into. If it were the end of the night at a bar, she would have gone home with Nate. Other than that, did Nate speak? Who knows. The thing is: he’s got the one thing going for him that no one else seemed to….he’s got the “guy that she inexplicably wants to do” thing. And that will take you far in this world. Nate is an early runner for the “Moby Dick” award: she wants him, and won’t stop until she at least hooks up with him. I have oddly high hopes for Nate.
Occupation: Marketing Manager, which blows your mind after his entrance.
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Randy showed up wearing a grandma costume and then stripped down to Randy, but he did the thing where he couldn’t get the costume off easily and was sweating a lot. Also: he dressed as a grandma and tore his clothes off in an attempt to get a woman to have sex with him. Shockingly, Randy was eliminated.
Occupation: Ex-Football Player
Chance of Winning: 99%
Ryan is my pick. He used to play football (she’s into athletes), now he works with kids (she has one of those) but he doesn’t HAVE kids (because she wants to have 4,298 more kids), and his intro was well done. Look, sometimes, you just know when you’re a guy watching a show called The Bachelorette and you’re writing a 4,000 word column on it, which is in no way worrisome: this is the guy who is at least going top 2. He was engineered for tabloids, too. You can thank me when you see the “what was Ryan like in his playing days!” page in US Weekly.
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Chance of Winning: I have no idea.
I’m pretty sure Sean was the guy who interrupted Kalon the helicopter guy while he was talking to Emily, which provoked a cat fight with creepy DJ guy who looks like the guy no one remembers from NSYNC, which will get to in a minute. Point being, he seemed nice enough, and Kalon was a dick to him, so. I guess he doesn’t lose yet, and he says “ma’am” so that helps because she’s southern.
Occupation: “MC”. So, probably a Bar Mitzvah DJ.
Chance of Winning: There Aren’t Enough Zeros Percent.
Stevie came in with a boombox on his shoulder dancing around like he was at a homecoming dance. He without a doubt roofies underaged girls and looks way too much like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC. He has absolutely no chance of winning, but he’s exciting because he’s creepily into hating Kalon the helicopter guy. I couldn’t be more excited for their upcoming arguments, and I hope someone asks him to sing Dirty Pop at some point, prompting him to have a nervous meltdown where he starts screaming that he is not Christ Kirkpatrick.
Occupation: He buys wood.
Chance of Winning: 50% only because he has a kid.
Tony was the other guy who was using his kid from a previous failed marriage as bait. He is a next-level douche who brought a slipper with him (OMG Cinderella GET IT?)and he’s one of the guys who used working out as half of his “about me” video. I love the guys using their children as bait, because this is ALSO seemingly a strong indication that you are a terrible life partner and someone chose to raise the child they had with you separately from you. It’s like a neon sign that says “look, I’m a bad decision in all probability”, at least when you’re on a God damn TV show about getting married. I hope he saw Doug’s letter from his child stunt, called home immediately and threatened his child with no allowance until he, too, wrote Emily a letter.
Occupation: Advertising, so making fun of his job would be making fun of myself.
Chance of Winning: 2% just because 1% seemed boring.
Travis, by far, was the highlight of a show. He brought a fucking ostrich egg and said he would hold it and never let it break the entirety of his time on the show because it’s a symbol of their love. That is some next level crazy shit, like a girl showing up to a date with pictures of the two of you photoshopped in wedding pictures (which, actually, someone has probably already done on Pinterest). The best part of this is that clearly the egg is going to break, and it’s going to be the best episode of all time when it does. If you’re going to bring an ostrich egg to a first date, you’re never going to get laid, let alone married.
So, 4,000 words later, that’s where we stand.Moving forward I think we have a pretty interesting field, and I’m looking forward to finally knowing who’s “just like us” in US Weekly this season.
I promise to say less in the next post. So, you know. 3,999 words.
Stream the whole thing at the link above.