Writer’s block is a funny thing. You want everything you write to be some golden take on “what the world is” when it turns out for the most part you’re the drunk guy at karaoke when everyone else was too afraid to sing. And I think a part of writing is learning to embrace that: if you want to sing Tik Tok by Ke$ha and lose all of your dignity while you’re drunk, by all means do it.
Since I don’t have anything important to write at the moment, here’s me grabbing the mic at the karaoke bar. Because that’s what the internet is: a giant karaoke bar and sadly, if you showed up, you’re allowed to sing. I hope you enjoy it.
These are the random things I think about.
1. “Yeah, no, yeah” is the funniest thing that you can say that everyone will understand while it makes absolutely no sense. Example.
Friend: “Do you know what I mean?”
You: “Yeah, no, yeah I totally get it.”
So…you know what I mean? Or you don’t? Because you essentially just said, “Yeah, I understand what you mean NO I DON’T yeah I understand what you mean.”
But…yeah, no, yeah…I get it.
2. The “Give a Penny, Take a Penny” system is the greatest thing the world ever invented, and is in my opinion the last great democracy standing. It’s like if democracy worked. I can hate you as a person, but if you need a penny…sure, I got you.
3. When I watch commercials for E Harmony, these are the key takeaways:
- When you fall in love, you immediately share eskimo kisses on public transit.
- Interracial couples are available online in droves. But mostly just black guys and white chicks.
- Sometimes when you’re in love and bored, you just roll around with footballs while giggling.
- They haven’t been to San Francisco yet, because white guys only date asian girls.
- When people ask you where you met in E Harmony land, it’s not awkward to respond: “On the internet.”
4. The person at UPS and FedEx who designed the very small pen used to sign the very small device that signifies you received packages had very small hands. Otherwise there is no logical explanation. Has ANYONE ever given an accurate signature on that thing? It’s like Derek Zoolander was given carte blanche at corporate and this is the device he came up with. Please make a human sized signing device. I am not receiving packages from miniature people.
5. Humans often quit at a lot of things, but they will never stop until they get the very last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. I will throw away things that are half full. I will let the milk expire. But I’ll be goddamned if I don’t finish the Crest.
6. People trying to get on the bus before I can get off: Stop it. Everyone dislikes you and we’re all judging you. Do you randomly walk up when someone is pouring milk at work in their cereal and yank it out of their hand to pour it in your cereal? No, you don’t. That would be awkward and weird. Same thing here. The bus is the milk, let me finish. This isn’t China (YES THAT’S A RACIST JOKE BUT WATCH THIS VIDEO).
7. There is nothing more confusing than walking up or down a non-moving escalator. When it rains in San Francisco, this constantly happens, because apparently electronics underground nowhere near water break when water falls somewhere not even remotely close to it. But just watch people try to walk on an escalator. It’s like a bunch of retarded children trying to learn how to walk. High comedy.
8. People who play World of Warcraft in a public cafe over WiFi: Why? You have chosen to play a game where you don’t associate with people in social situations in a place where you go to be around other people. I’m so lost. That seems like doing mushrooms and going to a public speaking class. I guess they don’t serve coffee in “not the real world.” But still.
9. If San Francisco is any indicator, rollerblading is slowly becoming cool again and not “gay.” Don’t act like you’re not excited. Everyone who says they hated rollerblades is lying. Guess what: wheels on your shoes is exciting. And yes, I already understand it’s ironic that I made this observation in San Francisco.
10. If we can make cars that carry tourists around that then become boats, why doesn’t every car come with this option? Because i’m pretty sure everyone would check that box at the dealership.
Car Dealer: “Okay, so you want the sunroof…the iPod dock…anything else?”
You: “Yeah, can I also make my car become a boat from time to time?”
Car Dealer: “Sure. Why not.”
You: “HOW IS THAT NOT STANDARD??”
11. Bagel Bites: When you give me the option to cook your product in a convential oven for 45 minutes, you’re missing the point. I just bought Bagel Bites. You are not an artisan food. I did not buy you because I have ample time to make meals. If I did, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have purchased you. Stop being silly.
12. I don’t like when people put their feet up on the kitchen table in commercials. Because people don’t do that. Especially after drinking 5 Hour Energy. This seems like the last possible moment that I’d just “take it easy” or “unwind”. You’re being impolite and unrealistic.
To stream the whole thing, click the link above.